Want to Crap Through Your Vagina? Activia Can Help!

I've been meaning to blog about this for ages - and I'm sure I am not the first nor will I be the last - but what the fuck is with those scary Activia commercials? First Jamie Lee tells me that if I want "better digestion," I should eat Activia yogurt. But what is "better digestion?" Does it loosen up a constipated brick or plug up up a leaky diarrhea faucet? Does adding Activia's special cultures to my gut make my farts not smell like a small furry animal crawled up my ass, died, and is decomposing up there? If so, that would be great! (And I'd make Husband eat enormous quantities of Activia...) I need details, people!

However, I suspect that there are no details because no one would eat Activia if they knew exactly how the "better digestion" works. This suspicion is fueled by the terrifying diagram that follows friendly Jamie Lee. A very fit torso appears on screen. Suddenly, little green circles gather excitedly, bumping off each other like some physics experience with atoms flying all over the place. Then, they coalesce into a big green arrow that points down. Well, what might be down there?

That's when it hits me that the ad is suggesting that "better digestion" happens when you shit through your vagina instead of anus. (Why else would the arrow point toward the cooter? It's not like this is some "educational" film for 12 year old girls that hints ever so politely that one day, blood might come out from down there.) If that is the case, I will stay far the fuck away from "better digestion." I've got enough problems without worrying about shit in my cooch. Nasty.

People Make My Eyes Bleed, But Goats Rock

Seriously, I love me some crazies. Who would I mock if there were no nutters around?

On a more cheerful note, I bought some goat milk yogurt at the grocery store this afternoon. It comes in all kinds of interesting flavors, and I chose apricot mango over cranberry orange for my first. The anticipation is killing me. As a Capricorn, it could be like a homecoming of sorts. Or something. In the meantime, I've reviewed three different flavors of sheep's milk yogurt, and Count Mockula wrote about some awesome yogurts, too, at Live Active Cultures.

Linky (Self-)Love

Mmmmm...French Canadian yogurt with pears and grains...

Awesome books I recently read...

Politics as usual...

No word from New School...

Not Baaad

While I'm at work learning if I still have a job after only 4 days (funding was cut while I was gone last week), enjoy my sheep's milk yogurt review over at Live Active Cultures. The review and the yogurt are way better than the pun.

Yogurt Review #3 - The Greek Gods Do Poseidon Proud

While I think it is good to review yogurt and pudding on CUSS, it occurred to me that some food snobs might not want to read a yogurt review on a blog that has "Snatch" in the title. I've been rejected from ad networks and syndication before because of my blog title, and I decided not to compromise CUSS. Hence, from now on, yogurt and pudding reviews will appear at Live Active Cultures, which I hope will evolve into a group blog. (HINT, HINT...)

Just in case you don't feel like clicking over there for today's thoughts on The Greek Gods plain nonfat yogurt, I thought I would share an image with you from the company's website:


They named the yogurt Poseidon, and put up a big wacky image full of pictures of the yogurt cup and the nutrition info. How can you now want to know more about what a yogurt named for Poseidon tastes like?

Yogurt Review #2 (Lifeway Strawberry Lassi)

Lassis are yogurt drinks popular (for very good reason) in India. While I was there, I drank at least four every day. (I wish I was exaggerating. Fortunately, our hotels had all you can eat breakfast buffets with pitchers of lassis, so I refilled my glass multiple times. Then I usually ordered a lassi with dinner, too.) Generally, they come in three traditional flavors: salty (aka "gross"), sweet, and mango. Lassis also tend to be sort of high in fat and calories in addition to flavor (and cost more in the US than India), so I try not to consume them to often.

At Whole Foods, I was excited to find a small packaged lassi in the dairy case from Lifeway.

The only flavor in stock was strawberry, and the 8 oz. carton had only 174 calories and 2 grams of fat, so I was psyched. Even better, the drink contains 30% of the RDA for calcium. The drink even has 3 grams of fiber to slightly off set the high level of carbs found in flavored yogurt. Excellent. I forgot how much it cost, but I think it was $1.29, which is somewhat reasonable. (I need to pay more attention to these things if I am going to seriously review yogurt, I know.)

Ah, sounds good so far, but how does it taste? I was very pleased. The strawberry was just sweet enough, but not overpowering. I like lassis because they have a sourish yogurty taste that is not overwhelming, but just a perfect balance with the sweet. Lifeway surprisingly got that down. Yumminess. I hope that I can find the mango flavor, too.

I wish they were also organic, but I suppose they'd cost more than $1.29 if they were. The verdict: I'll be stocking up on these babies!

Yogurt Review #1 (Siggi's Icelandic Style Skyr)

For a special treat, I spent a gazillion dollars on siggi's Icelandic style skyr strained non-fat yogurt at Whole Foods. I read a little blurb about it in New York Magazine a few weeks ago, and when confronted with the 6 oz container of pomegranate & passion fruit, I decided to give it a whirl. It is as good as Greek yogurt, although I'm not sure better. The flavor was not nearly as sweet as I prefer. Still, it is nice and thick. Since it was a couple of bucks and not exactly nirvana, I probably won't buy it again, but I'm still glad I indulged.

I've never been interested in food blogging per se, but my obsession with yogurt makes me think that I should have a recurring yogurt review section on CUSS. My local grocery store has an amazingly extensive selection of yogurts, so I'll be able to sample and write up many different kinds. I'm partially inspired by The London Review of Breakfasts, which is hilarious and informative (something CUSS strives for but seldom achieves) and Cupcakes Take the Cake.

If there is any doubt in your mind that yogurt reviews belong on a blog about unshaved snatch, I point out that yogurt is an excellent cure for yeast infections, although personally I have never understood how that works. (Do you eat the yogurt, or put it in your crotch? If you put it in your crotch, how do you properly clean it out? That sounds very messy.)