Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

* because life is hairy *

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

International Women's Day Was Yesterday

Basically, I have no idea what is going on outside of my little sphere of work and thesis writing. I thought today was March 8th, which is International Women's Day, and was all excited to write about it. I understand now that March 8th was actually yesterday. I'm going to say some shit anyway.

I wrote a post for BlogHer about 30 Woman Making History, a campaign by the Woman's Media Center to highlight, yes, 30 women making history while also raising some dough to employ women to write about news and politics. Good idea. I picked five women that I thought were making history (Shada [Shatha] Nasser, Eveline Shen, Sindiwe Magona, Shirley Rodriguez Remeneski, and Alysa Stanton). Links for more info on each awesome woman is in my post at BlogHer if you want to know more, and yes, that's my way of getting people to click over there. Whatever.

Today I read a post over at another awesome woman's blog, Suebob's Red Stapler. She quoted a not awesome woman blogger who said that equality is stupid because it is about fairness and we all know that life isn't fair. "Fuck that!" was essentially Suebob's reaction, echoed by all the excellent people who left comments on it.

One comment in particular stood out: "Vagina's are wasted on some people I swear." This was written by Thordora, who totally made my day.

And now, back to my day.

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Bring on the Funny

My thesis, which is about the spoken and unspoken experiences that I inherited from my paternal side, uses humor to explore the horrible things that happened to my grandparents and father during and after World War II. The humor is integral because my grandfather relied on jokes to deflect topics that he didn't want to deal with and as a coping mechanism for his enormous losses. I think that this reliance on humor is something that I inherited from him.

Anyway, today I spent some time reading Jewish humor books. Partly it is for research, partly to procrastinate because I have no ideas at the moment. I thought I'd share one:
Sadie says to her husband, "Moshe, I'm fed up with frozen chicken. Please buy for me a live chicken for a change. Then I can make for us a lovely meal."

So Moshe goes to the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that Funny Girl is showing at the movies. He calls Sadie on a pay phone. "Sadie," he says, "They're showing Funny Girl at the movies. I think I'll see it before I come home."

"OK," replies Sadie, "but what about the chicken?"

"I'll take it inside with me," Moshe answers.

Moshe stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, part way through the movie, the chicken pokes its head out. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, "There's a man next to me with his shmeckle hanging out of his pants."

Her friend says, "Why be shocked? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Just watch the movie."

"But this one's different. It's eating my popcorn."

OK, this joke totally cracked me up because it is so weird and random. I can almost hear my grandfather telling it. (He really liked dirty jokes, just like I do.)

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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Freudian Slip

Before I went to my peer advisory writing group this evening, I attended a going away party for a friend at work. There were many inappropriate discussions about snatch, viewing porn on a BlackBerry, and women ogling other women. (Oh, how I adore my colleagues!)

The latest draft of my thesis, which is about how I inherited my Jewish identity and outlook on life through what was both spoken and unsaid by my grandparents' and father's Holocaust legacies, includes this line about a nighttime asthma attack I had when I was seven:

"I could almost taste the blackness as though an octopus has replaced the night air with its inky discharge."

We discussed the strangeness of the metaphor/image and why it worked even though it shouldn't. Then my friend asked what the plural of octopus is.

"It's octopussies," I said. Then I turned bright red and we laughed until it hurt.

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

If You Want to Look Good, Check This Out

Although I cannot be bothered to wash my face on a daily basis,* I am excited to link to my friend's blog, Ask An Esthetician. She is a licensed esthetician who is giving out excellent (free!) advice on beauty, particularly skin care. I know that most women are not slovenly shlubs like me who wander around with uncombed (albeit usually clean) hair, un-moisturized skin, and legs and armpits that make them look like Chewbacca's midget sister, so I thought I'd do a public service promote her blog.

*Despite this gross habit, my skin is pretty clear. I am not sure why this is since in my pre-teens I was a horrid pizza face on the way to scars that would make Norriega look like a beauty queen. My mom insisted that I go to a dermatologist even though I protested, and the antibiotics he prescribed made a huge difference. (Thanks, Mom!)

After years of happy skin, I was covered with cyst-like zits in my early 20s. Another dermatologist gave me drugs, which did not work well, and he said I should consider Acutane as an option. No fucking way was I going on Acutane. In addition to requiring me to take birth control pills (which I was on anyway) and submit to regular pregnancy testing because it is so dangerous to fetal development, and cause hair and skin to fall out in chunks, it could cause people with depressive tendencies to commit suicide. I told him I'd rather be zitty than dead and fleshless.

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Friday, January 22, 2010

Happy Anniversary, BlogHer!

Four years ago, someone took a chance on me. I'd only been blogging for a few months when I heard that BlogHer was looking for volunteer contributing editors for a new site they were launching. I rushed to their current homepage, noticed that people already claimed the topic I most wanted (feminism and gender), and saw that travel and recreation was still open. Well, I love traveling and do it a lot. I had just blogged a trip to France. I left a message with links to three posts (this was before I had any idea what HTML was, not that I'm an expert at it now), and hoped for the best.

Not long after, I heard from Lisa Stone, one of BlogHer's founders. She said that she "loved" my blog and offered me the gig. I was thrilled! (Re-reading her email today, which I just looked at again, brings tears to my eyes. Yeah, I still have an email from January 2006 in my inbox.) My first post - Introduction to Travel and Recreation appeared on January 22, 2006. I hoped for many things, but was not sure what to expect.

Four years later, I still write for BlogHer, although on feminism, not travel. It offered me a platform when I was just exploring writing. It offered me a platform when I sent out proposals for a travelogue I was writing about unusual things to see and do New York City. It offered me a platform when my book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track, was published 2.5 years later. It offered me a platform to meet and be inspired by other women.

Sure, it hasn't been all champagne and roses. When I realized that my four year anniversary was coming up, I compared it to my marriage: sometimes I wanted to scream and stomp around with selfish, delusional indignity, but overall my life is richer, happier, and better in every way because I have it. (Husband was slightly offended by this analogy, but I stand by it.) I'm so lucky.

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Wednesday, January 06, 2010

My Stash

I sorted my stash tonight, and made a horrific discovery. One of my maintenance inhalers (Qvar) expired in October 2006. Even I'm not messing around with that - in the trash it goes. I also discovered that the sample of my regular inhaler (Ventolin) given to me in December by my allergist expired in June 2009. Harumph.

Ironically, earlier in the evening, while chatting with Dr. P on the phone, I discovered a jar of pasta sauce that expired in December 2007. It was unopened. Dr. P advised me to toss it. I put it back in the pantry. (It was unopened!*) I did, however, toss out the jar of pasta sauce that expired in June 2009, which seems to be a busy month for products to expire in my household. (It was half empty, and I thought I spotted mold in it, although it was refrigerated.**)

Fortunately, my 'stache stash is stocked and ready to rock the world, should I ever need a clever disguise or seven. Steph gave Husband a new extra long fake mustache and a mini mustache comb for the holidays. Between the asthma meds and the synthetic hair and glue, we are good to go.

*God, I am turning into my aunt. If I ever serve salad dressing that expired two years ago, then claim it is fine because it is unopened, I give the recipient of said dressing permission to slap me.
**There is hope for me yet.

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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Birthday Fiver

Despite the breakfast birthday cake and burek that sat in my stomach like a lead hockey puck, I accomplished my goal and ran five miles today. It took me slightly under 55 minutes, for which I'd like to blame the birthday cake and burek, but I'm just out of shape. It felt good to run, though.

Then I did what I promised myself I would do and sat on my ass for the rest of the day. It's a shame because it was gorgeous outside, but that's how it goes. I watched many home films from the olden days (early 1976 - about 1985) on my father-in-law's film projector. I have about 10 more to go, then I'm having them transferred to DVD as a gift to my parents. What was cool was that I watched movies from my 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th birthdays on my 34th birthday. What was not cool was how much I miss all of the relatives in the movies who aren't able to celebrate with me today.

Now I'm planning a trip home for January to see my grandmothers. I'm really, really worried about them. Husband told me that the TSA has new stupid rules that will do nothing to prevent situations like the one on the Detroit flight that inspired them, and he now refuses to fly. (Eye roll.) But really, forbidding people from using the bathroom during the last hour of a flight or having anything in their laps for the last 30 minutes is evil. I hope that some sanity prevails soon.

Whatever the case, my 33rd year pretty much sucked overall, so here's hoping that 34 brings better times. And thanks to everyone on Facebook for the awesome birthday wishes!!!

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

More Butt Humor, Butt (ha!) Not Gross

While Dr. P was in Vermont with her family, she noticed a product at a general store called "Anti-Monkey Butt Powder." We watched two hilarious ads on YouTube for this excellent product, which I thought I would share:

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder: The Jogger

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder: The Biker (as in motorcyclist, which is even better than bicyclist)

I hoped to embed the short videos in CUSS, but no codes for embedding were available. Boo. Well worth clicking on, and safe for work!

Speaking on work, my first day at my new job is tomorrow. I'm nervous, but excited. I wish I had not down enormous quantities of Indian food last night, though, as my stomach doth protest. I need to quash the rebellion ASAP if I want to continue to have a job after my first day. No one wants to work with a gas bag.

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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Best Cartoon Ever Revisited

Years ago, I wrote a post about a "game" called "ookie cookie" or "cum on a cookie." Basically, guys stand around in a circle and jerk off onto a cookie and whoever finishes last has to eat it. I profess to not understand males in any way, shape, or form. There are so many things that are wrong about people who would engage in such an activity.

Anyway, in response, my friend Mar sent me the greatest cartoon ever:



I am committed to republishing this cartoon every once in a while because I find it so fucking hilarious. Enjoy!

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Friday, October 09, 2009

Quote of the Month

Yes, I know it is early in October, but it would be very hard to beat out this excellent wisdom, as gleaned from my friend Dr. H's Facebook feed:

"Mustard don't change the word"
--significant other of a patient in response to her concerns that his sandwich was dripping onto the open Bible in his lap

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Sunday, October 04, 2009

Hitting the Big Time - Inconceivable!

Last week was (another) rough week. This not having a job thing is really weighing on me. Even though other good things are happening, I've been in a serious unemployment funk.

Then, as I was moping around Grand Central Station on Thursday while waiting for a friend, I received the following email on my BlackBerry:

I'm writing to invite you to a live radio show at the UCB Theater in Chelsea next week, Weds, Oct 7th between 6-7pm. I'm sorry for the short notice, but one of our listeners suggested you as a guest, and you'd be in great company -- also booked for that evening is author/actor Wallace Shawn and comedian Brent Weinbach. We'd love to
talk about your book "Off the Beaten Subway Track" and get some tips from you about exploring NYC.

The show is a WFMU radio talkshow called "Seven Second Delay" hosted by Andy Breckman and Ken Freedman. Andy's the creator and executive producer of the Emmy-award winning show Monk, airing on the USA Network, and Ken is General Manager of WFMU, an independent radio station. They co-host Seven Second Delay, an hour-long
loosely-formatted radio show that broadcasts live from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Chelsea and reaches about 30,000 listeners an episode. More information on the show is available here: http://sevenseconddelay.blogspot.com/.

Are you available? Interested? We also have a date in November we
could look into.


Am I interested? Am I available? Fuck yeah!!! Not only does it sound like a rad radio show with awesome hosts, but Wallace Shawn from the motherfucking movie The Princess Bride is going to be on. Missing that show would be inconceivable! (Which, I am embarrassed to admit, was more or less my reply. I am glad they still wanted me after I made that lame joke.)

This invitation perked me right up, and I've been feeling much better these past few days. I owe it all to Pamela. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pamela!

As noted, the show is on Wed., Oct. 7 at 6 pm at the UCB Theater (307 W. 26th Street). It only costs $5 to see me share a stage with Wallace Shawn. Inconceivable, I know. The show also streams online or can be heard on the old fashioned radio at 91.1 FM in New York, at 90.1 FM in the Hudson Valley. I am major excited.

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Subway Pervert

Usually after class, I join my classmates for drinks and bonding at a restaurant/bar near school. I happen to loathe the gathering spot, as the waiters seem to count the second from when we walk in the door to when we will leave. Nothing makes me feel more like socializing than an ancient waiter in a red coat throwing my overpriced Diet Pepsi at me and demanding payment the second the mini bottle hits the dirty reddish table cloth. The free snacks do not make up for the general nasty atmosphere.

On Monday, we went elsewhere, and while I now fear that I misled the waitress about my interest in her, at least no one yelled at us or forced us to keep ordering as we chatted into the wee hours. Despite our positive experience, the group headed back to the crappy restaurant bar. I decided to go to a wacky open mic event instead.

The event was still going strong when I slipped out at 12:30. I could barely keep my eyes open. Fortunately, I did not have to wait too long for the subway. I sat toward the front of the train, reading a magazine. A few stops into my journey, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed someone with grey-ish colored jeans walking rapidly toward me.

The woman sat in the seat on the bench next to me. What the fuck? I thought. The entire car was empty. What was wrong with this asshole? Then she pressed her thigh against mine.

It took me a nanosecond to decide that this was bullshit. I didn't even look at her. Eye contact seemed like an invitation to chat. I got up, walked out of the car, and re-boarded the one behind it. I had just settled down to read again, when the jeans reappeared. Fuck fuck fuck!!! I knew I shouldn't wear a dress that was so low cut. Now I have stalker.

The woman sat down on the same bench on which my ass resided. I looked over at her. It was my friend T. from school. I burst out laughing, as did she.

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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Three Adjectives

My friend decided to join a dating site. One of the many irritating tasks to complete her profile involved filling in three adjectives to describe yourself.

"What do you think of whiny, judgmental, and anxious?" she asked me.

After I picked myself up from the floor of the Indian restaurant (I had fallen off my chair laughing - almost not an exaggeration), I told her that I thought it was brilliant. "It's honest - although I do not think you are whiny - and intriguing. It seems like only people who get it, and thus get you, would respond." (Incidentally, I initially suggested that she use generous, intelligent, vibrant. OK, I actually said zestful, but she pointed out that sounds like a soap commercial, and just thought of vibrant now. Lively could also work. I still sort of like zestful, even if it is sudsy.)

Then I thought about what three adjectives I would use to describe myself. I realized that I would have to steal two out of three of her words because they are so true for me - judgmental and anxious. My third would be petty. I could substitute spastic or stressed for anxious and mocking for judgmental if I was forced to, but anxious and judgmental are just so perfect. Obsessive could also be a good choice. (If also forced to choose three positive ones, I would opt for entertaining, wonky, chatty.)

I hate ending blog posts by posing a question, but what three adjectives would you choose?

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Back in Action

Although I rescheduled my interview for this afternoon (excited and nervous!), I was a fucking wreck yesterday. Frustration, lack of sleep, and the mess that I arrived home to triple teamed me into a crying blob of jelly. I attempted to clean things up a bit, napped for a few hours, then showered. I feel much better today.

I didn't take many pictures at the BlogHer Conference, as I am not very good at photography and I always forget to take out my camera. I ride the coattails of my friends. However, I did get a few snaps (in random order):

Laurie of LaurieWrites and Sarah of Sarah and the Goon Squad at Thursday's reception.

Gorgeous view of the Chicago River from my filthy hotel room.

The plastic beaver cream cheese knife that Suebob of Red Stapler gave me - a beaver spreader!

With Pam Mandel, travel writer extraordinaire, of Nerd's Eye View at Thursday's reception.

Moi, Count Mockula, Maren, and Suebob graced the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile with our loveliness on Friday.

Carmen (whose blog I forgot - sorry!!!) and I tested out the bathtub of the Presidential Suite at the CheeseburgHer party on Sat. night. It passed my rigorous requirements for spectacular views, but I swear was a bit dirty.

With BlogHer co-founder Lisa Stone at the CheeseburgHer party. (If I look tired, it is because of my crazy partying at the Playboy party on Friday night. OK, OK! I confess: there was no Playboy party. We invented it to compensate for not being invited to any sponsored parties and make people jealous...)

Laurie Kingston of Not Done Yet; Virginia DeBolt, techie extraordinaire, of BlogHer; and Maren at dinner at Gino's East of Chicago on Saturday night. (Maren and I each had 1.5 slices of deep dish pizza, then foolishly each ate a cheeseburger at the following CheeseburgHer party. On a related note, may I add that my interview pants are tight today?)

Even if I was functional yesterday, I could not have uploaded these jewels of fun until today, as I have no internet access in my apartment right now. Another casualty of the renovation. I really hope the damn thing is over before next year's conference in New York...

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Greetings from Pittsburgh!

BlogHer was a trip and a half. I laughed and laughed with my
roommates, Suebob and Maren. I romped with Count Mockula, her mom,
and her genius toddler daughter. I wore a paper bag hat, sat in the
bathtub of the Presidential Suite in the Sheraton, and ate a
cheeseburger at the CheeseburgHer party. I socialized with
Sassymonkey, Denise, LaurieWrites, Heather Clisby, Megan Smith, Major
Bedhead, Amber Rhea, Pam Mandel, Sarah and the Goon Squad, Average
Jane, Liz Henry, and other exceptional women. Updated to add the Graces: Mitchell and Davis, who made my lunch on Sat. one of the highlights of the conference.) I wanted to meet
Nordette Adams, and failed. I collected swag. I ate Mars Bars,
courtesy of Sassymonkey. I dined at Gino's East of Chicago with Liz
Rizzo, Virginia DeBolt, Laurie Kingston, my parents, the
aforementioned roommates, and Count Mockula clan. And on and on.
(Oh, yeah. I attended some panels and also did a book signing.)

So I am tired. I want to get to my furnitureless, dust-infested
apartment (except for the bedroom, which has almost all of the
remaining furniture and boxes, but not so much dust at my last time of
residency). I want to prepare my bag and outfit for an interview I
have tomorrow morning. Then I'd like to sleep in my bed, which has
dirty sheets because we haven't changed them since construction began,
but this kind of dirty sheet smells like Husband, who is in Vegas
nowe, and makes me happy. And I want to prepare for my interview
tomorrow. (Noted twice, not out of senility, but to emphasize
importance.)

Instead, I am sitting in an airplane in Pittsburgh. The flight was
scheduled to arrive in NYC twenty minutes ago. Planes are not allowed
to land at LaGuardia right now due to a storm, so we flew in circles,
slowly progressing east, until we ran out of gas. (Like me, but no
refueling in sight!)

It could be worse. I could still be at O'Hare. And at least I have
six Mars Bars in my bag. And a Vosges chocolate bacon bar (thanks,
Suebob!). Plus, BlogHer will be in NYC next year. Yay!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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Sunday, May 03, 2009

Nephew!

Here's my mom holding little Marcus:


Cute little bugger!

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Meet Maurice

Advances in brain scanning photography are so sophisticated, that an image of Maurice recently became available:


Maurice is, of course, the hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain. This picture of him hard at work clarified many things for me. First, I noticed that my brain hamster is incredibly furry. I assume that he sheds a lot, which may explain the fogginess that I often experience. With all that fur flying, who can think straight? The fluff is also probably why I have so many sinus problems. And forget the wood chips...

Still, I am impressed by Maurice's dedication to keeping the wheel spinning for 16 hours or more a day. He is a very hard little worker. Unfortunately, I have been rewarding him with treats rather often these days. Today we had a rocky road brownie as a bonus for making it through a torturous legislative hearing, plus a Berger's Cookie after dinner. All of this is not good for Zena, Shetland pony that turns the wheel that powers my digestive system. Oh well.

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Friday, April 10, 2009

Three Cheers for Maurice

Frankly, I'm in deep shit. I think that working full-time, attending a full-time master's program in creative writing, drafting two posts a week for BlogHer, serving on the Board of a nonprofit child care center that has real estate issues, attempting healthy-ish lifestyle through exercise, and continuing to have relationships with friends and family (which I am failing at miserably in some cases) is maybe more than I can handle. For the last two weeks, I've been exhausted constantly.

It's not just me who needs a break. Maurice, the hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain, is on strike. At first I was mad at his furry ass for not keeping up, thus resulting in me making big mistakes like handing in the same story twice (written in two different ways, since I didn't remember writing it in the first place) or smaller errors like when I called Oedipus Odysseus in yesterday's blog post. Now I realize that the little dude is just overworked.

Maurice and I used to take breaks to read friends' blogs or watch mindless TV. These days, I need to think for more hours, whether to learn about the nuances of Obama's foreclosure prevention plan or to answer questions about a book I read for class, and poor little Maurice runs nonstop from when I wake up until I go to sleep. That's a lot for any brain hamster, let alone a 33 year old one. So I want to thank him publicly for hanging in there. (Thanks Maurice!)

I need to take a hard look at everything that's on my plate. I know what I want to cut, but Husband is not on board with that plan. If only I could write a book and sell it for six-figures, like, say fucking Meghan McCain,* that would solve everything. Uh, right....

*Love Jossip's suggested title about Ann Coulter, as does Maurice.

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Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Welcome to the Family!

Husband is back home from his business jaunt to Europe, and look what the cat dragged in:

(Also, he brought back two Mars bars, of which I already devoured one.) I am so proud of him for liberating the bear from his servitude as a hotel pimp! Theo is a little jealous, but like any older sibling, he will get used to the new addition.

Speaking of new family members, I offer a hearty mazel tov to my friends Rachel and Jenny and welcome their twins to the world! I am very excited for them.

Now I'm just waiting for my mom to arrive. Due to nasty rain, her flight was delayed by over an hour. I'm sure she'll be exhausted when she finally stumbles through my door. We'll just sleep in tomorrow morning. Hopefully, Tycho will behave his furry rabbit ass and not make a racket in his litter box so that she can sleep.

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Sunday, February 01, 2009

Stats

The year is 1/12 (8.4%) over already. For some reason, I find that reassuring.

I have completed four full work weeks (20 work days) already. I missed one (Friday) due to illness.

Thanks to a debacle* that had me spazzing for an hour on Friday while I was supposed to be convalescing, I finally discovered that from 8/1/08 to 11/1/08, I sold 960 copies of my book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track. I don't know if that is considered good or not, but I'm pleased anyway. (BIG THANK YOU to all of you nice people who bought a copy or, in some cases, as many as fifteen - which is 1.5% of all sales. I'm lucky to have such supportive friends.)

I called my doctor yesterday to report my ailing condition. He said I should wait at least another 7-10 days before considering antibiotics. I'm at the point where I'm blowing out all the really yellow, thick, sometimes bloody (it's dry in here) mucus, so I suspect I'll be better by then.

Today is the second day in a month in which the temperature is expected to go above 35 degrees. (Although it is 30 now, it is supposed to get up to 45.) I have not left the house in 2 days. I'm debating whether I should go to a "porkapalooza" Super Bowl party catered by the infamous chow hound restaurant Momofuku or continue my self-imposed house arrest.

Regardless, happy first day of February and enjoy the 32nd day of 2009!

*Oh, the debacle is that my publisher is out of business. My agent received a letter on Jan. 30 that was dated Dec. 24 and had been sent to the wrong address informing us that most of the catalog was sold to another publisher, they didn't pick up my book. Hence, all copies were now remaindered (i.e. - unavailable for distribution) and my contract granted the rights back to me and the option to purchase them for $1.88 per copy to find a new distributor. FREAK OUT!!! I didn't even know how many copies sold. (And I still don't know how many were printed.) An hour later, my agent called back. He tracked the publisher down and was told "to disregard the letter. That deal fell through, and we sold the catalog to another company, which did pick up Susan's [sic] book." My heart began beating at a more regular pace again.

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Saturday, January 31, 2009

Special Anonymous Guest Post & Photo

We have been having a very bad, awful week at work. My co-worker and I were glumly walking out to lunch when we both saw this chair, which had been pushed under a counter, probably to hide what was on the seat.



We both looked down and saw the chair simultaneously, then looked up at each other and cracked up. It was that kind of junior high school laughing where you just can't stop. We ran down the stairs, howling.

"Oh, we thought we had it bad," I said.

"Yeah, but that is proof that it can always get worse," he said. "I mean, no matter how bad it gets, now I can always say, "Well, at least I didn't shit myself at work today."

Thanks to my anonymous guest blogger and photographer for sharing!

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Saturday, January 03, 2009

Happy Birthday Mom!

Sixty-two years ago today (well, it's still today in California and Illinois...), my mom was born in a blizzard. It was a difficult delivery, as she was breech and her nose somehow managed to catch itself on my granny's tailbone, if I recall the story properly. (If I don't, my mom will correct me in the comments.) I am so glad that things worked out.

The funny thing is that Husband and I went to the San Francisco Streetcar Museum this afternoon. Why is this funny? Well, my granny's cousin always tells us how she heard that "Bernice was in the hospital having a hard time," so she rushed over to the hospital in the blizzard on a streetcar. San Francisco operates old streetcars on its F line, with different cars paying homage to cities that also operated streetcars in its past. I looked for a postcard depicting the "Chicago" streetcar known as "The Green Hornet," but sadly there were none. I thought it would make a great birthday card for my mom. (Yes, I am admitting that I otherwise forget to send one, although I did call her.)

Later this evening, Husband and I passed by a storefront with the words Fecal Face Dot Gallery on its awning. We laughed and laughed, and I thought about how my mom would also chortle if she were with us.

Happy birthday, Mom, you nutty fecal face! I love you.

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Saturday, December 27, 2008

Yesterday

My last day as a 32 year old began with a three mile run at the hotel gym. From there, Husband and I headed over to Culver City to meet Liz and tour the Museum of Jurassic Technology. I read about the museum several years ago on Roadside America, and I though that there would be no better way to spend a few hours before turning 33 than finally visiting it.

Oh.Dear.God. The museum was probably the nuttiest, creepiest, and weirdest place I have ever been. I almost felt guilty for asking Liz to join us. I'll sum it up by saying that at one point I was certain that the exhibits were actually created by people who sat around thinking up fake exhibits they could develop from scratch, but I subsequently realized that it was all real. The exhibits ranged from deranged letters sent to scientists at Mt. Wilson Observatory to oil portraits of the dogs who went into space with Russian cosmonauts. There was also a display of disintegrating die, an exhibit on superstitions in a pitch black room, holographic images of various things, a section on items from trailer parks, ethnographic studies of cat's cradles, and a room dedicated to the singer M. Delani. The museum was approximately 2 degrees. This made the free tea and cookies served in a cute Russian-esque room (the tea was even made in a samovar!) extra enticing, which made me worry a little bit about cyanide poisining. Perhaps our stuffed bodies would be part of a future exhibit?

After the museum, we stopped into the Center for Interpretative Land Use, which was totally awesome. All of my urban planning nerd friends would love it. There was a wonderful slide show on the Trans-Alaska pipeline. The Center was also very well heated, which was critical to thawing out our feet.

Husband and I parted ways with Liz, and headed into Hollywood to meet my friend Norma, a former co-worker, and her husband for dinner and a night of comedy. On the way, we made a quick stop at La Brea Tar Pits. I was most impressessed with the vending machines. Not only did they take credit cards, but a 20 ounce bottle of pop was only a dollar. One dollar!!! That's the best deal I've gotten in ages. A 12 ounce can of Diet Coke runs me a buck in NYC, and here I got a 20 oz. bottle! I'm certain that this was the best tasting Coke Zero that ever graced my lips. Bargains are so refreshing.

Anyway, we wandered around Hollywood a bit before dinner at Loteria. Norma had described the restaurant to me as the "newest, freshest, and bestest" Mexican cuisine in the city, and it lived up to its promise. The meal was delicious, the company was fantastic, and the comedy at the Improv was side splitting. It was great seeing Norma and meeting her hubby. They put together an excellent evening.

Today, after breakfast at IHOP (just as exciting to me as Loteria), we are meeting up with the always wonderful Red Stapler for continued good times. I can't wait.

Happy birthday to me!

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Monday, December 22, 2008

'Tis the Season

For Hanukkah last night, Husband gave me this cute sweater dress:


I am surprised and delighted that it fits, and I plan to bring it with me on my trip to California.

More exciting, however, is the mop that I purchased for myself:


It would be even better if my apartment looked as sparkling clean as the home pictured on HSN, but whatever. As I put the mop together, my cousin laughed and told me that it looked phallic as I clenched it between my legs while struggled to slide slot A into slot A. We also had a good chuckle over the "instructions" that came with it:

for fun, try attaching the cloths or mop pad using only your mind. It helps if you squint.


I am disturbingly overjoyed at the prospect of using it tomorrow. Finally, the bottle of floor cleaner that Sara gave me a month ago when I did laundry at her apartment will be put to use!

Happy holidays indeed!

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Sunday, November 09, 2008

A Blue State

In my 32.75 years of existence, I've only lived in two states: Illinois and New York. Appropriately, these are both states that are "blue" - i.e. have gone Democratic in presidential elections. New York as a state is turning even bluer, as out of 29 House seats, we are down to sending only 3 Republicans to Washington.

My mood for the last few days has matched the color of New York. Sure, I'm ecstatic that Obama won the election, and every morning I'm devouring the news as to who he's appointing to his administration (Rahm Emanuel is a fellow liberal Jewish New Trier graduate, which is a rarity) and what his next moves are. Still, it's been raining and gray and I've been sitting around with not enough work to do, which is upsetting. In this exciting time, I want to be doing public service work again. My consulting job owes me money and more work.

I'm hoping that I am offered the position that I interviewed for two weeks ago. But that's stressing me out because I know that I can't really handle a full-time job, school, and my other commitments. I could do it, but I'd never see Husband, socialize or go to the gym. That's not good. The problem is that there are no part-time jobs that are in my field at my skill level. Frustrating.

Plus, I know that Steph moved away five years ago and Dr. P has been gone for 18 months, but I still miss them like hell. My other friends are great, and I appreciate them immensely, but last night we had a post-election celebration party, and I felt their absence acutely. As Husband put it, there was not enough cackling without them in attendance.

Hence, I spent the day stuffing my face with chazerai: jelly beans, chocolate, cookies, and other goodies left over from last night. All that junk food is both comforting and also makes me feel worse. It certainly is negating the 6 mile run I did in Central Park yesterday. Bah. I hate being old, unemployed, and lonely.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I Just Wanna Celebrate


Theo and Barack Obama* share a moment of victory in my apartment in the wee hours of the morning/late last night.

Man, last night was exciting.

*Yes, that is really Husband wearing a 99 cent paper mask he bought at a costume/card shop down the street that is disturbingly realistic, causing people to do double takes as when they notice a neckless Barack Obama with white hands walking down the street/on the subway/at an election results party/etc.

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

The Rewards of Voting

I am going to vote. If all goes well, today will be as sweet as the bag of Brach's Caramel Candy Corn that I consumed over the last few days. Theo is hoping that he can come to the polling station with me. We'll see.

Actually, voters in New York and Seattle can get orgasmic rewards for voting. Babeland is offering a free mini vibrator or penis sleeve thingy to anyone who walks into one of their stores and says they voter. Word of honor is honored. That voting rewards are worth $15 and $20, respectively. I am awed by their amazing generosity.

Other freebies for voters include coffee from Starbucks and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But the vibrator or dick sleeve is definitely the voting gift that keeps on giving. I'm speechless. Me! Speechless!

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Sunday, October 26, 2008

Old-ness and New-ness

On Saturday, Husband and I journeyed down to Philadelphia to meet up with Steph for a haunted tour of the old part of town. I invited one of my new friends from school - let's call her Jill - to join us. It is very hard to sufficiently prepare people for the hurricane that is Steph. She met up with us about two hours after we arrived at Reading Terminal Market and stuffed our faces silly with Amish and other goodies.

Steph and I proceeded to horrify Jill with our loud discourse on whether it is more insulting to call someone a "snatchface" or a "cuntface." Steph, Husband, and I agreed that cunt was much worse, although Jill said that in the part of the world in which she grew up, "snatch" was a verboten word. My grandmother believes that "cunt" is a perfectly harmless word, but that "fuck" is an awful word that should never be used. Interesting, isn't it?

Today, another new friend from school - let's call her Vicky - and I went to Jill's to help her paint her very dark gray bedroom an off-white. I noticed that the word "fuck" was used on occasion, but not "snatch" or "cunt." Still, much laughter was laughed.

One common thread through this weekend, beside hanging out with friends, is eating. I ate a lot. I am turning into a real Flabby McFlabberstein. Of course, I would rather be a Flabby McFlabberstein than a Cunty McCunterson, but I should go to the gym more often and stop eating pancakes with peanut butter chips for dinner.

Speaking of Cunty McCunterson, the weekend also reminded me that I have far more comrades at school than enemies, so that makes me happy. To old friends and new!

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Cum (on a Cookie) Again



Mar sent this cartoon to me almost two years ago (!), and I think it is as hilarious today as it was on November 3, 2006.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Spam

One museum that I long harbored dreams of visiting is the Spam Museum in Minnesota. That said, I do not appreciate the amount of spam that CUSS has accumulated in the past few weeks. While I hate to do it, I see no other option but to enable comment moderation for a little while. For the less tech savvy (i.e. - Mom), this means that you will not see any comments you leave until I approve them.

My hope is that this will discuorage the many tentacled spammers and then I can go back to free posting. I leave all non-spam comments up, even when they suggest that the world would be better off if my mom had aborted me. I believe in free speech, and I figure that these types of comments reflect more poorly on the anonymous pieces of shit who leave such hateful comments than it does on me.

Anyway, sorry for the inconvenience, and I hope it does not encourage people from leaving comments. Especially on my request for what gifts are good for feminists.

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Roaches

Perhaps the one thing that is more despicable than than exploiting the fear of breast cancer to sell women products that may actually cause the disease is a roach. Roaches are repulsive. They exacerbate asthma and other conditions. Worse, they are everywhere in New York City. I nearly puked when I killed one this morning. Just thinking about it makes me itchy.

My friend J. hates roaches to the point of irrationality. I asked her if she had seen Wall-E yet, and she told me that it was so offensive that she had to leave ten minutes into the film. I was surprised, as I heard that Wall-E has a good message that I thought a progressive like J. would dig.

"What is so awful about it?"

J. threw her arms around as she ranted. "It's repulsive! It should be rated X! I can't believe they allow children to see such filth!"

"Um, are you talking about the cartoon?"

"Yes, of course! I asked to get my money back, it was so sick!"

Now I was really confused. "What is so bad about it?"

"The sidekick is a roach!!!!!" she screamed.

Ah, that explains it.

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October Public Service Announcement: Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Is there anything more despicable than exploiting the fear of breast cancer to sell women products that may actually cause the disease? That's what Breast Cancer Awareness Month is all about these days. Check out my snarky remarks on this travesty of a mockery of a sham at BlogHer. My mom had breast cancer when she was 33, so this stuff hits me right on a pinched nerve.

In other news, my uber-talented brother-in-law created an author website for me. As usual, it is the bomb. In exchange for his help, I'm promoting his gourmet cooking business, Hot Pot Culinary Events. Hot Pot will conduct cooking parties and/or lessons right in the comfort of your own home! Fun times are practically guaranteed.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Hello from Alex's Kitchen

This morning I hopped a Greyhound bus, then transferred to another Greyhound bus, and after too many hours with my new best friends at Greyhound, I am finally at Alex's house. Her cute older son enthusiastically greeted me as I approached their car at the bus station. Her cute younger son snored loudly, as he had fallen asleep while waiting. It was a very nice welcome.

Bright and early tomorrow morning, Alex and I will swing by Sally HP's house, and then head over to Starbucks for a quick eye opener before we go to the BlogHer Boston Reach Out Tour conference. (First we should probably figure out when it starts.) As I told one of my new friends from my MFA program, these blogger networking opportunities are wonderful. I am so grateful to the blogging community for the support and friendship I have received over the last three years. (CUSS's third anniversay is next Friday. As Alex said, "Who knew there could be three years of conversation about snatch?" OK, so its a bit more than just snatch, but still...)

I'm still reeling a bit from the obnoxious comments that one of my classmates left on my paper, so I'm even more excited to be amongst my blogging people. The wisdom from Alex's kitchen is thus: Bloggers rock!

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Five Things I'm Loving

1. Husband somehow wound up on John McCain's mailing list. The man is a lifelong, committed Democrat. He is never going to give money to a douche bag like McCain. Every time I find an envelope from the McCain campaign in our mail box, I think of the money they wasted sending him materials. The return envelope is one of those "No postage necessary if mailed in the United States" deals. Would it not be awesome to wrap it around a brick and send it back? Mwa ha ha ha ha.

2. Going back to school at an "older" age. When I went for my MPA, I was only 22. I didn't feel confident enough to speak up on certain issues or challenge others, so I didn't say anything. This time around, I am just as eager to learn, but I'm also not willing to sit on my opinion. Plus, I care not a whit about grades. I just want to do my best and see what happens. It's liberating.

3. My pink John Fluevog boots. And the fact that I did not pay anything near $305 for them a few years ago. (I bought them on clearance, although now I'm shitting myself at what it will cost to replace them some day.)

4. On a perfect sunny day in the mid-70s, I hopped the subway to see St. Demetrios' ankle bone. (First I went to the dentist, though. No cavaties!)

5. The good people I continue to meet in person and online.

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Blog Book Tour: Welcome Liza Monroy!

Looking for a good read this Labor Day weekend? Consider Mexican High, a fascinating novel about Mila, an American girl who spends her senior year at an exclusive high school in Mexico City when her diplomat mom is assigned to Mexico. Mexican High is written by my first writing instructor (and full disclosure, friend) Liza Monroy. Liza stopped by CUSS to answer a few of my questions about the book:

You clearly state in your author's note (which I found very funny) that the book is only "marginally inspired" by your experience at a high school in Mexico, but some of the most compelling parts of the book to me were the ones in which Mila talks about the inequality in Mexican society. Yet Maggie (Mila's mother) seems rather clueless about the local culture, preferring to think of Mexico City as similar to her experiences many years before at the beach. How much of that is something that you observed, and has it impacted you?

Thanks for saying that about my author's note! I meant it as a humorous takeoff on those lawsuit-prevention tactics. That dynamic between Mila and Maggie is intentionally representative of the tension between how we tend to perceive Mexico from the U.S. and the realities of daily life there. Maggie tells Mila to get a new wardrobe with lots of tropical colors, and Mila refuses. The fashions in Mexico City are more akin to those in Paris than Cancun. Since Maggie spent time in a beach town, she imagines the whole country as being like that. Her heart is in the right place, blending in with the culture, but she takes it to an unfortunate extreme, like when she paints the house she lives in with Mila bright orange, yellow, and pink to look more like Frida Kahlo's.

When I first moved to Mexico City I had no preconceived notions, other than at over seven thousand feet, and temperature lows dipping into the 40s, it wasn't going to be a beachy climate, so I rejected the tropical-colors idea which did, in fact, come from my mother, who would probably appreciate if I reiterated here that the character Maggie isn't based on her. I took my mother's career and some of the funnier kinds of things she said and gave those to Maggie. But from there I created a monster, so to speak.

I also grew up in the 1990s, and I also loved how the book captures the pop culture from that time. Did you feel that the era was essential to the story that you wanted to tell?

I wanted to tell the story of the years I spent in high school in Mexico City, originally, which happened to be in the 90s, when the country was in political and economic turmoil. I lived there from 1993 to 97, so I had more years than Mila, who only goes to Mexico for her senior year. I chose the 93-94 year because it was the most dramatic. The pop culture trickling down from the States -- grunge and so forth -- was also really popular in Mexico City. It just so happened that the music and style that came about during that time period captured the tone and mood I had in mind for the novel. The 93-94 period saw the assassination of the favored presidential candidate, Luis Donaldo Colosio, a near-eruption of the Popocatepetl volcano, the EZLN revolutionaries in Chiapas, and the peso devaluation from 3 to a dollar to around 10. It was chaotic. Nirvana might have been the perfect soundtrack. I went back and re-listened to all the music from high school, the same way I re-read the news from the time.

Later on, I saw Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal interviewed at the Tribeca Film Festival for their documentary, Chavez, about the famous Mexican boxer. They talked about Chavez's personal narrative having a similar arc to 1994, the year of corruption, devaluation, eruption, and revolution. The book was done by then, but when I look back on it now, Mila's turbulent year tracks Mexico City's, too.

"Mexican High" reminds me in a lot of ways of "Gossip Girl" in that parents are largely absent, there's a lot of drug and alcohol use, the characters are wealthy, fashion is pre-eminent, and sex is rampant, but your novel is marketed as an adult read rather than young adult. Is there a target audience that you had in mind, and what age reader do you think is appropriate for your book?

When I was writing the novel, I wasn't sure whether, if it were to be published, it would be young adult or adult. I just wrote the book I wanted to write and didn't really worry about it. I figured if it got out there, it would find its audience and a publisher would be better schooled in how and where to market a book than I was. I think the general idea is that young adults will read "up" -- meaning they will browse the non-YA sections of a bookstore, whereas adults wouldn't read YA. There was a great essay by Margo Rabb in the New York Times Book Review called "I'm YA and I'm OK" about the conflict between what was YA and what was an adult book with a teen narrator or protagonist. Were MEXICAN HIGH marketed as Young Adult, I would have been just as happy because I loved reading as a teen, and those books shaped my love of literature, so to be thought of as a voice that could reach teenagers would be something I'd think of as an honor because it's a tough audience to engage.

Ultimately, the novel was decided an "adult" book. I think my publishers were considering it in the vein of PREP and other novels with teenage main characters that have adult themes. Also, since Mila is looking back on her senior year from a time when she's older, which I actually had all worked out in an epilogue that was cut out, the perspective is more of an adult going back than a seventeen-year-old in the present. If she was seventeen in ninety-three, she's now thirty-two -- older than I am!

Although there is a lot of sex in the book, there is also a lot of hypocrisy about women as sexual beings versus the need to stay pure, and I was surprised by the sexual violence. The rich kids also have parents who engage in corruption and illegal activities, and I thought there was a connection between the two types of duality in people's lives. Could you talk a little bit more about that?

Well Mexico is a Catholic country, so the attitudes about sex conform to that. However, the politician going to church on Sunday with his family could also be secretly organizing an assassination on Monday morning. There's an innate duality to who the teenagers and parents are to their families, and who they are to their peers. That's a universal concept but in Mexico City, and in my novel, it's a more extreme case, because at a school in the U.S. or basically the rest of the world, you don't have the bodyguards outside of the school, protecting the kids from kidnapping. You don't have the small inner circle of power who have such intricate relationships --- in the book, the man Mila believes could be her father may or may not have had her boyfriend Manuel's father assassinated. It's a reality many of the kids had to live with.

As for the sexual violence, it's a sad reality of high school that date rapes happen, but the lawlessness of the environment in MEXICAN HIGH makes it easier to get away with. There is a part in the book where a boy's father has medical information intercepted and destroyed. He also might have paid off the doctor who examined the victim. Money was a way to get around things at that time in Mexico. As a character in MEXICAN HIGH says, "everyone's got their hand out."

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Thanks again to Liza Monroy for visiting CUSS to talk about her book, Mexican High.

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Saturday, August 09, 2008

Book Party and Belated Birthday Wishes

Today's my book party! Other than the fact that I look like a bloated version of the villainess from Superman II, I'm excited. Fun shall be had.

Also, I want to wish my cousin Rebecca a happy belated 21st birthday! The big day was last Saturday. I'll never forget the day she was born. Our family friends were visiting us (the Reisman clan) from Florida, and we were just getting ready to go out for the day when the phone rang. I was already outside, waiting in the driveway, and when I heard the news, I ran around the lawn like the lunatic I am. I was so excited to finally have a cousin! Anyway, Rebecca's been living it up in Dublin all summer, so I'm looking forward to seeing her in a few weeks when she returns to the states.

My family is here until tomorrow (which explains my blog absence for the last few days). In the meantime, I encourage everyone to submit a period story to Congratulations, You're a Woman Now! so that I have lots of good reading materials for when they depart.

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Saturday, August 02, 2008

My Furry Beaver Gets Around: BlogHer Beaver Shots Now Online!

No less than a 100% rip off of Suebob's popular red stapler series, I decided to bring my furry little beaver to the 2008 BlogHer conference and have her pose with my blogging friends. Brilliant! Except that I forgot my camera. Fortunately, Alex lent me hers, so I wandered around the conference on Friday, asking people to take a beaver shot. Then I forgot to upload the pictures from Alex's camera. Until Thursday night...

Without further ado, I present: My Beaver at BlogHer 08. Feel free to tag yourself if you have a beaver shot. (I figure some people may not want to be identified for web search purposes, so I leave it up to the individual in the photo to tag herself. Please do not tag any beaver shot unless you are in it. It's pretty bad when a prospective employer googles someone and comes up with a link to her beaver shot...)


Someone (Mar, I think) suggested that Bev the Beaver do a tour, which I think would be fun. People who want to be in a picture with my beaver would email me (or leave a comment), I'd generate a list with people's addresses, then send Bev and the list to the first person on the list. That person would take a picture with my beaver and post it, then send Bev to the next person on the list and so forth, until Bev is sent home to me. Anyone interested?

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Big Kudos

I know nothing about building websites or graphic design. Hence I owe enormous thanks to two men for helping me put together a fantastic (new) website for my book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track.

My friend Alex's husband (blog name: Big Giraffe, or BG), very kindly put together a website for my book several months ago. He asked me what I wanted, and I said something that conveys information about what the book is about, where to buy it, and how to get in touch with me. He produced a great site that was simple enough for even a tech-idiot like myself to update, and included elements like an upcoming events sidebar. It's been great!

My brother-in-law, who runs a home cooking events business called Hot Pot, is not only a marketing guru, but a graphic design genius. He designed the awesome invitation for my book party, and thought that he could cook up something snazzy along those lines for the website. Using BG's framework and his enormous creative skills, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track looks super cool.

Once again, I am left to hope that the contents of the book can live up to its packaging!!! Thanks to both my brother-in-law and BG for all their hard work. I am so grateful.

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Tuesday, July 08, 2008

House Rules

While we were in Chicago, my bestest friend Steph visited some of her other chums in New York City and stayed at my apartment. Although I was sad to miss seeing my giant white friend, it worked out well because she fed Tycho, my giant white pet rabbit. I told her to sleep in our bedroom as opposed to on the couch, as his enormous furriness screws up her sinuses.

Upon my return home yesterday morning, I found a yellow post-it note in Husband's chicken scratch handwriting left on a pillow. It read:

ABSOLUTELY NO

  • DEFECATING

  • URINATING

  • EATING

  • JUMPING

  • SEX

IN THE BED.
THANK YOU
-MGT

I rang Steph at work. "I saw Husband left you some instructions regarding the bed," I said when she answered.

She busted up. "Yeah, I put them back where I found him 'cause I figured they applied to him, too."

They both crack me up.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Happy 8th Anniversary, or A Day of Doom and Gloom?

While visiting Bubbe in the hospital this afternoon, my mom read an article in the Chicago Tribune listing important events that have taken place on July 2. Most of them were horrific, like Ernest Hemingway committing suicide or President Garfield's assassination. Fortunately, one good thing took place on July 2: Pres. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act into law. Oh, and also I got married and my friends' had a baby, so the day isn't a total loss. I did suggest that if my mom didn't stop reading the list of miserable events aloud, next year's edition might include a mother being pushed out the second story window of a hospital.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Happy Birth Days Carnival

I am proud to participate in my friend Alex's Hayy Birth Days Carnival. The wonderful idea behind the carnival is to share stories about bringing a new child into one's family.

"But wait," you are likely thinking, "you don't have any kids, and I am pretty certain that you are very happy to not bring a child into your family, although if God forbid something happened to any of your relatives or close friends, you would welcome their children into your home and do your best to give them the best life possible."

This is very true. I am very happy to not have any children living with me. Today I cleaned my apartment for several hours, and realized that I am a horrific failure at any basic housekeeping responsibilities as it is, as is my delightful husband. It turns out that we have been sleeping above 40 pounds of dust, as well as Husband's shoe graveyard. I am surprised that there are no shoe hauntings given the number of corpses I discovered.

But I digress. Since I do not have any birth experiences myself (other than my own birth, which I unsurprisingly do not recall - I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast, let alone my emergence into this world 32.5 years ago. I only hope that my first thought was something like, "Well, this shit is overrated."), I will share the story of my mother's birth. This is especially important to me today because my grandmother is having a colonoscopy today, and I am very worried about her. She had colon cancer 10 years ago. Her 86th birthday will be July 4th, and I would tell her birth story, but I do not know it. (I do know that her own mother died very tragically when Grannie was only seven years old.)

On to the story. So my mother and I are very much alike, so it is only fitting that she was born during an enormous blizzard on January 3, 1947. My grandmother had much difficulty in labor, and had to have a c-section. C-sections were pretty rare back then, but my mother's nose somehow managed to hook itself around my granny's tailbone and she was stuck. I think she was also breech, just to complicate the situation. (And if I am wrong on any of this, have no fear, my mom will correct me in the comments.)

The wonderful part of the story is that my mom came out OK. As Granny's close cousin Mary likes to say, "When I heard that Bernice was in labor, I thought, 'In this weather?' and I took the street car in the blizzard and rushed to the hospital to be with her. Oy vey." I love that people were there for them. And so I hope that Granny will be OK today. I can't wait to celebrate her birthday with her next week, and my mom's 61.5 birthday, too.

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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Happy Day Wishes

Happy birthday to Des!

And another round of congrats to Sara and her family on the arrival of their baby!

Happy early birthday (real birthday is June 21, but we are celebrating today) to my godson, Alex's younger son!

Happy Flag Day!

June 14 is happy day at the otherwise crabby CUSS. Smile.

Feminism & Gender

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Something Nature Intended to Emerge from a Vagina

Yesterday I had an epiphany about what Activia may believe "better digestion" is, and I wrote about it. However, right before I saw the Activia ad, I saw a great commercial about some new type of digital pregnancy test from Clear Blue Easy. It seems that the stick now reads, "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant," which is very straight forward.

But man, remember when it was impressive to have something that was digital? Now digital items are very common. Clear Blue Easy won me over though, with the following line in the ad, "It's the most sophisticated thing you'll ever pee on."* I don't think I'm pregnant, but that line makes me want to run out and buy their digital test, just so I can pee on something with digital technology. I love it!

Incidentally, whether the Clear Blue Easy digital test truly is the most sophisticated thing I ever pee on, I am relieved that they are selling a product that relates to things that are supposed to emerge from vaginas. Speaking of which, my friend Sara just gave birth to a baby girl! (Perhaps one day in the distant future, little Farf will laugh that this pregnancy test was once the most sophisticated thing a woman might pee on, as the pace of technology speeds ever faster.) Mazel tov to Sara and her family!

*Note: I am 99% certain that the ad actually said this and I was not hallucinating. There is a small chance, however, that I was oxygen deprived from running and thus misunderstood the ad. Or that I was still recovering from my discovery that Activia encourages women to shit through their vaginas. If the ad did not actually say that their product is the most sophisticated thing you will ever pee on, than it should. Because that is a brilliant line.
Feminism & Gender

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Saturday, May 31, 2008

All You Need is Love

Last night, Husband and I had a date! We attended a performance of Passing Strange, a fascinating musical with an excellent cast and excellent book. The show explores which is more real - art or love? My biggest beef with the show was that I am not sure which side it came down on. Husband thought art, but I thought they suggested that you should abandon your dreams for love. Either one is unsatisfying to me.

Anyway, a few days ago, one of my most favoritest bloggers, Suebob (who I also like to count as one of the friends I made online), gave me a touching award, Now I get to tell the world about ten bloggers that I really love. (Fortunately, Suebob already sang the praises of Des and Count Mockula, and I agree with her completely. And I think it is clear that my feelings for Suebob echo hers for me, so this opens the playing field for me to include ten other folks.) Even though I have been shitty at reading blogs lately, and even shittier at leaving comments, I always love these bloggers who post regularly:

1. Alex Elliot has been my friend for over 15 years, and her stories at at Formula Fed & Flexible Parenting always crack my ass up and/or teach me something new. She's a fabulous friend and wonderful parent, and she was even on TV once to talk about the important of not judging new moms for how they feed their babies!

2. Average Jane is anything but. She leads an awesome life in the Midwest with her kitties and hubby and band. When I met her at BlogHer last year, I also thought she had the coolest hair ever. I sort of want to be just like her.

3. Eddie at Chicken Fat is one of my first blog friends. I adore his wit, thoughts on culture and politics, and appreciation for comfort food. Some day, I am going to get down to Marietta and hang out with him.

4. Liz Rizzo rules. She writes about sex and relationships at BlogHer and on a spectrum of topics at her own blog, Everday Goddess. I think she is incredibly brave in the many ways she lives her life on her own terms.

5. Hecticmom - Completely Undone is talented (she makes leotards for her baton champion daughter!), smart (a pioneering tech woman), and adorable (just check out her picture)! I am so hoping that we get to meet one day.

6. Her blog title, I, Asshole, says it all: SJ is just the best.

7. Jessica is another super awesome woman who inspires and awes me. She rocks.

8. Mar of Room for Thought is another one of those women I curse myself for not living closer to. She's insightful, wise beyond her years, and lots of fun. I LOVED it when she stopped over in NYC on her way to London and hung out with me in the rain. Yes, the woman is spirited!

9. I wish that I were like Woman with No Regrets. She's gone through some shit, and she's trucking through and not looking back. She's a smartie for sure.

10. Erika Journey at Plain Jane Mom is another mom who blogs with the goods. Like Suebob, she's a connector, and always finds great things to point her readers to. I can't wait to see her again in July at BlogHer.

Since CUSS is all about spreading the word, I hope that some of you will also write little commendations for your favorite bloggers. Happy end of May!

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Anti-"Sex and the City" Meme

This week's entire Entertainment Weekly is completely dedicated to Sex and the City. While many women whom I hold in high regard absolutely adore that show, I could never bring myself to watch it. (First of all, I didn't have HBO when it was on, so even if I wanted to watch it, that was an obstacle.) I do love the idea that the show revolves around four female friends sharing their lives and supporting one another, but the fashion obsessions revolt me.

Spending $750 on a pair of stiletto heels just seems morally wrong. Not only because I can't fathom throwing away that kind of money on a freaking pair of shoes, but also it would just be more practical for me to pay a hit man $750 to break my ankles than to do so by wearing absurdly uncomfortable and dangerous shoes. The bags, hats, scarves, and whatever else was slavishly fawned over by the press and certain fans - just, ugh.

So, as the Sex and the City Movie comes to theaters near you and there is no escape from its press coverage, I present a meme for feisty, spirited women who share our lives and support one another, yet are also slovenly and/or miserly (or is it practical?):

What's the cheapest pair of shoes you own?: Not counting some flip flops that I bought at a Walgreen's in Florida a few years ago after my regular shoes ate holes in the back of my feet, the cheapest pair of shoes I own are children's Keds that are designed to look like saddle shoes. I think they were $25, which is actually sort of expensive.

What's your favorite piece of jewelry, if you own any?: When I was 16, I bought myself a Venus (the female symbol) from the NOW catalog. I wear it every day, except once in a while when I go to a wedding or something and put on some crappy sparkly necklace that I bought at Claire's Boutique.

What's your favorite t-shirt?: At this point, I have three favorites - my red "I [Heart] Pro-Choice NY" t, my lavender "Bush is a Tush" t, and my high school lacrosse team t-shirt.

If you could wear jeans every day, would you? Yes, except for days when it is the high 60s or low 70s and sunny with a very light breeze when I want to wear a knee-length skirt with tights and my awesome John Fluevog knee high boots.

Do you comb your hair every day? Well, if it happens to look nice when you wake up, why mess with a good good thing?

As with any meme, I can't wait to see how you respond.

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Friday, May 16, 2008

Where in the World Am I?

Blogger is finally doing its users right: we can now schedule a post in advance! If all goes according to plan, this post will go up exactly as my flight to Pittsburgh departs. Yes, for the third weekend in a row, I am running off to see a friend who I have not seen in eons. (Next weekend, it's on to my parents' house to celebrate Bubbe's 85th birthday at a Russian restaurant. "It has an orchestra!" she told me repeatedly on the phone, her voice trembling with excitement. "Great," I replied in the same way I might if I was told that there was an all-you-can-eat herring buffet and no other forms of nourishment. Oh, shit...) I'm not sure how all these trips wound up happening in the same month, but when it rains, it pours and all that.

This trip is very special to me, though, because I have not seen my friend Julie in ages. In addition, I will be attending her graduation from grad school. Growing up a in racist community screwed Julie for many years, and I am so proud that she has overcome the crap that was hurled on her and accomplished so much. It's not just the graduation, it's everything she's done since college, in communities around the western hemisphere. I am so inspired by her. After graduation, she is visiting Qatar for six weeks. She's totally fearless.

On a less tear-jerking note, this trip is going to be crazy. No, we won't be partying it up and falling down drunk to celebrate Julie's achievements. The insanity is going to emanate from the fact that her entire family will also be staying with us at Julie's tiny apartment. Her family makes mine look like a calm, buttoned up WASP clan. Sometimes when I'm with them, I wonder if I secretly entered some sort of alternate universe. (In fact, it'll be good prep for my trip to my folks' house next weekend.) I'm so excited. It's going to be just like back when we were in 5th grade, except that Julie reads The Economist now.

PS - I forgot to give a shout out to my dad on his 62nd birthday, which was May 10th. Happy belated birthday, Dad! I love you, even if you won't leave me alone about going back to law school. :)

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Sunday, May 11, 2008

A Big Thanks to the Moms in My Life

(Part of this is included on my post at BlogHer.)

In my family, my mom (and dad) worked hard to do the best she could for her daughters. I learned that even if a job is tough, one sticks it out so that she can take care of her own. From my aunt, I learned that it is also important to work on behalf of others who were less privileged than our middle-class family. My aunt was a VISTA volunteer with Haitian refugees in Florida, and went on an educational mission to Cuba. She dedicated her career as a teacher to children with behavioral and learning disabilities in the lowest income communities around Chicago. That meant speaking up when she felt other professionals were not working in the best interests of a child, even if it earned her enemies and made her own life more difficult. My aunt also took my sister and I under her wings, and is a fantastic mother to her own daughter.

While I meet my mother-in-law until I began dating my future husband when I was 19, I immediately bonded with her over feminism. When she noticed that I wore a women's emblem (the symbol of Venus) on a necklace, and asked me if I was a feminist. When I enthusiastically said yes, she gave me her full approval. A few years later, she wistfully mentioned that she was interested in attending the March for Women's Lives to protest the Bush administration's attacks on reproductive rights, and I said that we needed to go together. Attending the march with Pat (and about 1,000,000 other men and women) was one of the most inspiring moments of my life.

Now that my friends are starting to have kids of their own, too, I'm happy and excited to see the fantastic work they are doing in raising strong children who are as committed to making the world a better place for women (and men).

Rock on, ladies. I love you.

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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Fun in the Sun

At the early hour of 10:45 PM on Friday, I met the train carrying my dear friend Alex at Penn Station. We stopped off on the way to my apartment to pick up some baked goods at the new Upper West Side Magnolia Bakery outpost, then chatted with Husband while stuffing yellow cake (chocolate frosting for Alex; pink frosting for me - in both cases, the cake was merely adequate) down our gullets. Husband packed it in around 12:30 AM, and Alex and I continued our conversation until 2:00. This is the latest night I have had in months.

Saturday morning was bright and sunny. Alex and I set out in a freezing wind to have brunch at a restaurant highly recommended by Sara. We were excited for our Meyer Lemon pancakes (Alex) and eggs and grits (me), but when the food finally came (worst.service.ever), they shorted Alex a pancake and my food was only OK. Still, it was a heavy meal, and we decided to walk it off in Central Park. Originally, we planned to run, but thought it was too cold to go out without coats. We were wrong, but enjoyed our 6 mile hike in the bright (albeit sort of cold) sunshine.

The evening was capped off at a party at sister-in-law's (SIL) 30th birthday party, in which a sommelier came to their apartment and told amusing stories about wine. The stories (and cheese and amazing cakes shaped like a wine bottle with SIL's name on it, a small cheese, and marzipan grapes) were the highlight of the evening for your teetotaling blog host. As usual, I ate too much and ended the evening with bad gas.

As there was more coldish sun today, Alex and I set out to run the reservoir in Central Park. We had a lot of fun, and it made me feel great. I haven't run in ages, thanks to sinus issues, the sea urchin spines in my feet, and general laziness. (It also made me miss Dr. P, who used to be my running partner when she lived in New York.) I resolved to start running regularly again.

And that's that.

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Saturday, March 22, 2008

I Am the Blog Master of CUSS

There's a spam comment on my last post request the "blog master" of this blog to post more relative information before it goes on to plug some sort of site. The idea of being the blog master of CUSS is almost as hilarious as all of your brilliant comments about the horror of roaches on a plane. I wish I had thought of that spoof. Thank goodness I have such witty friends. Instead, the blog master thing reminds me of Ghost Busters. If I am the Blog Master, who is the Gate Keeper?

As blog master, my recent neglect of CUSS is due to the outrageous prices the hotel I stayed at this past week charged for internet access. It would have been $36 for 24 hours of wi fi. Now, I love blogging, but I can't justify $36 for internet access. When I was out and about, I meant to stop into an internet cafe and give a shout out and check my email, but I was having so mch fun with my sister and her hubby that I forgot to look for a place.

I'm coming home tomorrow, which will be grand, as I have not seen Husband for more than 3 hours in the past two weeks. I miss the bugger very much. While I was gone, he ate at lots of nice restaurants with his brother and sister-in-law. (This is a very fine juxtaposition to the places that I ate at with my sister and brother-in-law, which generally involved some sort of fast food. Sometimes, however, it was Lebanese fast food and in my mind, probably rivaled Husband's gourmet lunch at Jean Georges.) I'm still having a great time out here, as I am with Mara and my cousin, but it is fucking cold, I'm running out of clean clothes, and I am ready to stop paying 2x the marked price of anything I buy thanks to a crap American dollar.

Hopefully, there will be no motherfuckin' roaches on the motherfuckin' plane on the way back, as I think the flight is full. My roach hunting skills (which I will gladly pass on to Alex when she visits, although I hope that there are no targets in my apartment on which to demonstrate) are not as honed for varment killing with lots of innocent bystanders around. Smacking people with newspapers or stomping their toes while attempting to create a filthy insect-free environment may not be appreciated, although everyone hates roaches.*

*Warrior: My friend and I once saw some cute little mice in the bathroom of one of our favorite restaurants. Sadly, I never saw them again, either.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Un-Mar-ring a Bad Day

Yesterday? From the moment I woke up at 7:40 am until Alex called to chat at 4 pm, yesterday sucked.* It was a case of too much time on my hands and too much to obsess about.

Mar was supposed to arrive in New York around noon yesterday on her way to London with her mom. Thanks to evil weather in the Midwest (and I'm sure the steady rain here didn't help), her flights were canceled. I had planned an exciting day of Jewish deli food and a tour of the Theodore Roosevelt birthplace, but it was not meant to be.

Happily, Mar's flight did arrive in the evening, and instead of crashing at her hotel after a loooooong day of travel frustrations, Mar and her mom trooped over to my apartment. Further, they good naturedly followed me around in the rain as I showed them the sights of my 'hood: Natural History Museum; New York-Historical Society; and John Lennon memorial in Central Park. Then Mar gently reminded me that she had not eaten in 9 hours, so we headed over to a kosher deli for some grub before the delightful women headed back to their hotel near JFK, which takes about an hour by subway.

While I am disappointed that I didn't get to spend more time with Mar, I am so glad that we finally met! She is as awesome and adorable in person as she is online. Her mom rocked the house, too. I just love meeting my blog friends and their cool moms and/or dads. I hope that the ladies have a fantastic time in London, and I can't wait to see Mar again. She lives in the same town as my sister, so I figure we can meet up in exciting Iowa sometime this year. (My sister is determined to have me come to talk to her class of first graders about being an author, so I figure I'll go out there in the fall when my book is out.)

Anyway, after seeing my visitors off at the subway station, I returned home to find a thoughtful email from Eddie, plus lots of nice comments on my blog, including a tag from Warrior Two. Yay for blog friends!!!!

*Although the two episodes of The Golden Girls that I caught on TV were hilarious.

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Friday, February 22, 2008

CUSS Readers: Brilliant and HiIlarious

Just so you know, I wrote a rambling post over at BlogHer about the evils of douche, which we explored over here at CUSS back in October. Since I thought your comments on that post were exceptionally funny, I included them with links to your blogs. Feedback on the BlogHer post indicates that you are all brilliantly insightful. Thanks for being so awesome! Don't you think there should be an official blog reader appreciation day?

This is only the most recent event this week that reminds me how lucky I am. On Wednesday night, I found $40 on the sidewalk. Yesterday, Husband found out that he is getting a very nice bonus from work, which made me feel less bad about spending $2.69 on a carton of siggi's icelandic skyr yogurt. (But, damn, that is a fuckload to spend on a single yogurt!) Today, I am celebrating how cool it is to connect to such awesome people through blogging.

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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Theo and the Lankees*


My trip to Sacramento included a historic meeting between Count Mockula's Lankee friends and my loyal bear companion Theo. The Lankees are super stylish (man, their wardrobe is impressive!) and surly little dudes who hilariously blog at Lankeeland Wire and live with Count Mockula and Mr. Count Mockula. Zigmund is seated in the front, Mo is next to Theo, and Ignatius is on the couch on the left. (Theo once sort of had a blog, too, but I suck and have neglected his desire to become America's Next Top Model for over a year now.)

Although Mo initially threatened to kick Theo's ass (Lankees are nothing if not violent), he backed down when informed that Theo was at least twice his size. Theo is a peaceful bear, but he will rip heads off when necessary. Fortunately, the guys were able to enjoy watching soccer and had a good time together.

*Wouldn't that be an awesome band name?

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sunday Blahs

It's Sunday. That means I am tired for no good reason and under-motivated. However, it is also my assigned day to post at BlogHer, so I wrote up a rambling essay on how child care workers are completely screwed by our dysfunctional American society that needs women to work but insists that they are bad mothers if they work.

On another note of American dysfunction, I received a nice letter yesterday from my unsurance company with a detailed explanation of why they rejected my bilateral breast MRI. It turns out that my doctor is a lazy son of a bitch who neglected to submit very basic information such as: the age of my first menstrual period, my age at first live birth, the number of previous breast biopsies including the pathology and my ethnicity. Perhaps this information would make no difference at all, but it certainly is not hard to submit. There are 45 days in which this information can be submitted for consideration. I shall call the unsurance company myself tomorrow. Then I will search for a new doctor. Bah.

Otherwise, Husband and I had a delightful Saturday. We visited Dianne and her precocious daughter and fun husband for the day. Steph also joined us for good eating at a hibachi grill place and two rounds of bowling. We raced back to the City to join Dr. H for her 30th birthday bash, which was fun. (Dianne's birthday was this past Thursday, so happy belated birthday to her!)

Maybe my lethargy is explained by a Diet Coke, cake, cookie, and Jelly Belly hangover? My hard partying ways are catching up to me...

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Happy Birthday, Alex!

Today is my friend Alex Elliot's birthday. She's 32, just like little old me. Go over over to Formula Fed & Flexible Parenting, virtually have a piece of the Little Mermaid birthday cake that her older son picked out for her, and wish her a good one.

On Alex's birthday, I learned the following lesson: Do not go bra shopping after an eye doctor appointment when your eyes are dilated. It's really hard to read the little number on the bra tag to figure out what size you are holding. I was standing around the sales bins at Victoria Secret, holding the damn undergarments in my face and feeling the surface area of the cups of the bras I picked up in an effort to decide whether or not it might fit. Not cool.

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Happy Birthday, Mom!

The best thing about looking almost exactly like my mother is that I know that when I am 61 (as she is today), I will look like I am in my early 40s. For this and many other reasons, happy birthday to my mom and I love you, you wacky goon!

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Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!

Normally, I hate New Year's Eve. For the past few years, I would feel hope and excitement for what was to come, only to realize that nothing magically changes just because it is a new year. We still had the same buttfuck for a president, I still had the same job, and things just rolled along. Even though I knew that change happens as it comes, not on a schedule, I was still depressed for the first few weeks of January.

Today I am more positive. I know that nothing will be different in the next few hours, but there is so much to look forward to this year. My book will be coming out, I'll have a new job, and maybe I'll even be starting an MFA program. A number of my dear friends recently had or are having children in 2008, and it makes me smile to think about being Aunt Suzanne.

This past year brought many excellent developments for me, too. My sister, who had been trying to find a teaching job in Iowa for five years, finally was hired to teach first grade and is thriving. (Even better, kids at a troubled school are lucky enough to have her as their teacher.) Some of my friends had babies, and others became pregnant. My friends who have kids already have wonderful families. Almost my whole family was able to come east and celebrate my brother-in-law's wedding with my in-law family. I was not only able to see my family in Chicago a few times this year, but I traveled around the world. And, of course, my book about unusual things to see and do in my beloved New York City finally found a publisher after I'd worked on the concept for almost three years. I doubt that 2008 will top any of this, but that's OK. There's new and interesting things coming our way.

Here's to a year free of sea urchins and full of unshaved snatch! (Translation: I hope that everyone has a healthy and happy new year!)

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Thursday, December 27, 2007

It's My Birthday, Too!

It is still Dec. 26 in Hawaii, where I am blogging from, so it isn't technically my 32nd birthday yet, but I was born in the 'burbs of Chicago, not Hawaii, and it's the 27th there. Yay my parents for having me.

My friend Elizabeth grew up in Hawaii and is in town with her husband Al (my friend from college), so we shall be spending the day with them. Elizabeth suggested driving up to the North Shore, which is sort of ironic because the suburban area I grew up in is also known as the North Shore but instead of being a winter surfing mecca, my North Shore is a frozen tundra. First we will eat breakfast at the super cool hotel that Husband and I are staying at (for free courtesy of his hotel points). The Royal Hawaiian was built in 1927 and is known as The Pink Palace. Everything is pink - towels, sheets, etc. It's very cool. I love historic places. Anyway, it is supposed to have an amazing albeit pricey breakfast buffet, but we're going out on a limb for my birthday.

Otherwise, I have been sort of quiet since I can't walk too much since I was viciously attack by a sea urchin on Christmas Eve after falling off a rock while preparing to snorkel. Husband and I arrived in O'ahu yesterday and had a delicious and delightful Christmas dinner with Elizabeth's charming and cultured family. Today we went to the Aloha Swap Meet, a fun flea market outside Aloha Stadium. After that, we headed to the Hawaiian Medical Heritage Center at The Queen's Medical Center to check out a small exhibit. Since we are weirdos, we decided that it would be fun to eat at the hospital cafeteria and buy t-shirts from the gift shop. After that, we went to a laundromat.

Hope that everyone is having a fun and sea urchin-free holiday!

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Monday, December 10, 2007

GREat Day

At 12:30, I'll be sitting down to take the GRE. In preparation, I have learned words like peregrination, turgid, vituperative (a word I just saw in an actual newspaper article!), and occlude. I also refreshed my memory of how to calculate the area of a triangle (1/2 base x height) and some other cool math tricks that I may not have really learned in the first place. If glory hole also happens to appear on the exam, I'm totally set.

My goal is to get a 650 on the verbal and a 450 on the math. The good news is that even if I don't accomplish this, it won't matter because the writing program I am applying to does not care what the GRE score is. However, the university at large requires that everyone submit a score before they matriculate. I just don't want to completely embarrass myself, so we'll see what happens.

In other exciting news, a story about my blog friend Eddie of Chicken Fat appeared in the Marietta News. I've enjoyed Chicken Fat's liberal and hilarious observations about life for awhile now, and I am very glad that he's getting lots of recognition. He also just celebrated his 40th wedding anniversay! Yay Eddie!

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