International Women's Day Was Yesterday

Basically, I have no idea what is going on outside of my little sphere of work and thesis writing. I thought today was March 8th, which is International Women's Day, and was all excited to write about it. I understand now that March 8th was actually yesterday. I'm going to say some shit anyway.

I wrote a post for BlogHer about 30 Woman Making History, a campaign by the Woman's Media Center to highlight, yes, 30 women making history while also raising some dough to employ women to write about news and politics. Good idea. I picked five women that I thought were making history (Shada [Shatha] Nasser, Eveline Shen, Sindiwe Magona, Shirley Rodriguez Remeneski, and Alysa Stanton). Links for more info on each awesome woman is in my post at BlogHer if you want to know more, and yes, that's my way of getting people to click over there. Whatever.

Today I read a post over at another awesome woman's blog, Suebob's Red Stapler. She quoted a not awesome woman blogger who said that equality is stupid because it is about fairness and we all know that life isn't fair. "Fuck that!" was essentially Suebob's reaction, echoed by all the excellent people who left comments on it.

One comment in particular stood out: "Vagina's are wasted on some people I swear." This was written by Thordora, who totally made my day.

And now, back to my day.

Bye Bayh Repro Rights

Many of the bad things that are happening in the Senate today take me back to my earliest years in public policy. In the summer of 1995, the country was hotly debating welfare reform. I interned with the child care division of the Department of Public Aid in Illinois, and I followed the discussion closely.

By the time I returned the next summer, the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunities Reconciliation Act (PRWORA) had passed Congress and was signed into law by President Clinton. States wrangled with how they could meet the welfare for work requirements and move people off of public assistance programs as soon as possible. Next door, the governor of Indiana, Evan Bayh, embraced welfare-to-work so wholeheartedly that I was certain that he was a Republican. I'm fairly certain that I even had an argument with Husband about it. I was wrong.

These days, over thirteen years after I first cut my teeth on public policy work, Bayh is still causing me to scratch my head. Evan Bayh is now a pro-choice Democrat in the Senate. Yet he voted for the Nelson/Hatch amendment that would have essentially forbid health insurance plans to cover abortion services. On the flip side, Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is anti-choice, but voted against the amendment. What the fuck?

Sen. Reid showed great initiative in explaining his position, finding common ground and recognizing the need for health care reform to be passed. I commend him for taking the time to do the right thing for more people than himself. Sen. Bayh offered no explanation for voting against the women that he has courted for votes. It’s baffling. OK, it's more than baffling; Sen. Bayh's lack of courage on this issue is pathetic.

I learned in 1995-1996 that I really couldn't count on Evan Bayh to make sound decisions when it comes to the health and welfare of women and children. A lot of time has passed since then. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Sigh.

It's No Accident that "Stupak" Looks a Lot Like "Stupid"

Two of my favorite organizations, the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice and Planned Parenthood are holding a National Day of Action today to lobby the Senate for health care reform that ensures women’s access to reproductive health care. Right now, things are not looking good.

Basically, the House passed a horrible amendment sponsored by Rep. Bart Stupak, an anti-choice douche bag. The amendment would prevent women who currently have health insurance plans that cover abortion from obtaining the same coverage if they buy it through an insurance exchange. This is a problem for me, but even worse is that private plans will likely drop abortion coverage in order to participate in the exchange. People who like imposing their religious beliefs on others are proposing the same thing in the Senate.

Planned Parenthood explains the situation (it's a long one):

The Bottom Line

• Under the Stupak amendment, millions of women would lose benefits that they currently have and millions more would be prohibited from getting the kind of private sector health care coverage that most women have today.


• Millions of women would lose private coverage for abortion services and millions more would be prohibited from buying it even with their own money.

The New Health Insurance Exchange

• The new health insurance exchange is intended to provide a new source of affordable, quality coverage for the roughly 46 million uninsured Americans and the millions more whose current coverage is unaffordable or inadequate.


• The House bill is expected to cover 96 percent of all uninsured Americans by offering subsidies for private coverage or the choice of a public plan. Depending on their income level and the final package approved by Congress, individuals would receive subsidies on a sliding scale to purchase private insurance through the exchange.


• Not everyone in the exchange would have subsidized coverage — a significant portion of people (for instance, those currently purchasing in the individual market and those working for small businesses) who would buy insurance in the exchange would not receive any subsidies, also known as affordability credits.

The Stupak Amendment

• The Stupak amendment prohibits any coverage of abortion in the public option and prohibits anyone receiving a federal subsidy from purchasing a health insurance plan that includes abortion. It also prohibits private health insurance plans from offering through the exchange a plan that includes abortion coverage to both subsidized and unsubsidized individuals.


• The Stupak amendment purports to allow women to purchase a separate, single-service “abortion rider,” but abortion riders don’t exist.


• Women are unlikely to think ahead to choose a plan that includes abortion coverage, since they do not plan for unplanned pregnancy.


• Realistically, the actual effect of the Stupak amendment is to ban abortion coverage across the entire exchange, for women with both subsidized and unsubsidized coverage.


• Example: Currently, a self-employed graphic designer or writer, buying coverage from Kaiser Permanente in the individual market, likely has abortion coverage. Under the health reform plan amended by Stupak, she would purchase that same plan from Kaiser Permanente in the exchange, but it would not include abortion coverage because it would be barred. This ban would be in effect even if she were paying the full premium. Similarly, a woman working for a small graphic design firm, who currently has abortion coverage through her company’s plan, would lose it under reform if the company decides to seek more affordable coverage in the exchange.

For more information on health care reform and the Stupak amendment, visit us at http://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/healthreform.

End of Planned Parenthood info, and back to my ranting... If this pisses you off as much as it does me, call your Senator today. (Or email him or her, as I suspect the lines will be busy.) Perhaps yelling, "Stop the stupid Stupak amendment bullshit," is not the thing to say, but it does have alliteration, which is a good literary technique.

In all seriousness, something like this is NOT going to stop women from having abortions. Instead, it will force more women to wait longer for their procedure while they figure out how the hell to pay for it. If we want more late term abortions in this country, then by all means, support Stupak. But that would be stupid.

Publishers Weekly Best Ten Books of 2009 - 100% Male

The problem with feminism is that it makes women crazy. We seem to believe that our words and our stories matter, and that we are not only capable of telling stories, but that we can excel at it. Our voices and our story telling techniques may differ from what has traditionally been viewed as great literature, but we think that doesn't mean that they are not equally good.

Of course, these beliefs are silly, and Publishers Weekly took great pains to remind people that women's work is just not up to par with that of (white) men. Their list of the ten best books of 2009 includes ten dudes, nine of whom are white. Some people bristled at this. Kamy Wicoff at She Write - an online community of women writers that is free and you should join - wrote:

Try to imagine if they had come out with a list of the Best Books of 2009 and it had included ZERO MEN. Try to imagine if Amazon had released its Best Books of 2009 and it had included only TWO men. I know it's hard. But just try.

Wicoff asked the She Writes community to take action. To protest this ridiculous list, we should all buy a book published by a woman in 2009, take a photo of ourselves with it, and explain why we bought it.



Here I am with the 2009 paperback edition of American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld. When the hardcover came out in 2008, it received glowing reviews. My friend Alex Elliot read it for her bookclub, and said that I would really like it. Sittenfeld and I are the same age, and I wish that I had an ounce of her talent.

I don't have pictures of myself with another two books that came out in 2009, but last night I attended a reading of A Friend of the Family by Lauren Grodstein. I thought it was great. Deborah Copaken Cogan also read From Here to April, which came out in hardcover in 2008 and paperback this month. It was also excellent. Both works were funny and thought-provoking, as were their creators.

If you are also pissed about the Publishers Weekly list, join the She Writes community's protest. Once you post a picture of yourself on your blog holding a book you bought by a female writer that came out in 2009 (the deadline is Friday), send Kamy the link at kamy@shewrites.com. She Writes will send these links to the entire community (5000+) on Saturday. While the emphasis is on women writers protesting, I think anyone who cares about sexism should feel free to participate.

No Justice. Again.

The House of Representatives passed a shitty excuse for a health care plan. It includes no public option. (Sorry, I misunderstood the newspaper this morning.) It also gave in to fundamentalist religious groups and barred abortion coverage for anyone obtaining health insurance with government subsidies.

Some might argue that it is wrong to use taxpayers' money for things that certain taxpayers might object to. But we do that every day, anyway. I object to the death penalty, but every execution that happens in my state (which fortunately has been none) would be partly subsidized with my tax money. I object to Halliburton receiving no bid contracts to do nothing in Iraq. I object to hiring private "security" (paramilitary) firms being paid to "guard" stuff in Iraq. I object to the ludicrous idea that companies that are contracted by the US to work in Iraq are not subject to following US laws, so that women are raped by their co-workers and fired, the company has no responsibility. I object to using taxpayer money to build sports stadiums. The list goes on and on.

The problem with democracy is that sometimes you are stuck monetarily supporting things that you find morally reprehensible. If a person doesn't like it, too fucking bad. He doesn't have the right to impose his religious beliefs on me or other people.

Of course, not all religious groups are obnoxious fucking hypocritical assholes who insist on religious freedom for themselves but them force their beliefs down the throats of others. I know this. That's why, even though I don't believe in a Judeo-Christian God, I support the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice. I think they do important work reminding people that religion does not have to oppress other people. I suppose it will be hard to continue supporting them when I live in my cave, hanging out with bats and shunning humanity, but as I said, there's no justice. I don't even know why I expect it every once in a while.

Elections: Good and Bad News

For the second morning in a row, the day began with promise. I woke up early and with big plans. Then I picked up The New York Times.

At first I didn't understand what I saw. Why was that fucking anti-choice, social conservative idiot with no plans at all for how to govern New Jersey on the front cover of the paper? No paper puts a big picture of the loser, and as my friend said on Monday, a good sign that he is not intelligent is that his first and last names are more or less the same. (Maybe this would work in Scandinavia, but it is silly here, I agreed.) But no. The stupid fuck his his right-wing agenda and won. People in New Jersey chose a moron with no ideas other than attacking his opponent's plans to save their state from recession.* Good luck with that.

I was relieved, however, to learn that the Democratic candidate in a district in upstate New York won. For 150 years, this community was represented only by Republicans. (Of course, that meant something different 150 years ago when it was the party of Lincoln, but that's another story.) Crazy conservatives around the country banded together to smear the moderate Republican candidate because she had the audacity to support gay marriage and keeping abortion legal. She was supported by all the local Republican leadership. But it seems that what people want is not good enough for the fringe elements that control the Republican party, who know much better than everyone else what they want, and if you don't agree with them, you will be punished. After months of verbal assaults from the likes of Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh, who supporting a crazy right-wing third party candidate, the Republican dropped out right before the election and endorsed the Democrat. He won narrowly.

My interpretation of all this insanity is that people still do not want to elect hatemongers. Christie won in part because he hid his conservative agenda, and this is also true of the Republican who just won Virginia. They emphasized the economy, not hating gay people or women's reproductive rights. In upstate New York, when the candidate foisted onto the voters emphasized his intolerance of people not like him, he lost. See, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh and the crazy bitch in the Times who praised the national coalition who imposed their will on a small area of New York, people do not embrace your so-called values. If you want to win and continue to oppress people with your evilness, you have to hide your agenda.

There may be hope yet.

*This reminded me why a story that we read in class that same night made me laugh. My classmate submitted a story about playing guitar in high school, and described his magnet school as offering an education to "the best and brightest of New Jersey." I thought he was making a joke about New Jersey's image as people with big bangs and a love of shopping malls, but it turned out he was serious.

The Squirrelly and the Acorn

It's been a bad morning. I overslept, then while eating breakfast, read several depressing stories in the New York Times. The one that upset me most was about a "sting" operation enacted by two ultraconservatives who decided that they would bring about the right-wing wet dream of destroying the community organizing group Acorn.

Acorn is not perfect. It has had a series of scandals involving its officers over the last few years. But it also has done legitimate work to empower and engage disenfranchised, low income Americans in politics and economic growth. In New York City, Acorn has helped families frozen out of the housing market obtain places to live through shrewd credit counseling, homeownership classes, and technical assistance. People who participated in Acorn's programs here are not losing their homes to foreclosure.

Conservatives hate nothing more than when low income people ask for their fair (or I should say, fare) share of the heaping American apple pie. Actually, forget the "fair share" - they loathe when people who have been locked out of the mainstream systems that benefit white, middle- and upper-classes as for even a crumb or two of what they deserve. These groups and people, many of which have engaged in questionable activities themselves (remember Rush Limbaugh's illegal prescription addition and how he blamed his maid?), thus must bring down organizations like Acorn that are successful.

Today's New York Times article explains that two squirelly right-wingers dressed up as a prostitute and pimp, then went to Acorn offices and asked for help acquiring a home that they could use a brothel for under-age El Salvadorean girls. Two Acorn workers didn't blink an eye, explaining not only how to obtain the property, but also how to hide their illegal activity from the government.

There is nothing excusable or OK about what these Acorn employees did, and they have been fired. As a result of disgusting actions, Acorn is losing federal housing funds. But here's the problem with these incidents: they were isolated. And we don't find that out until deep in the article. See, the Times notes that the filmmakers "spent months visiting numerous Acorn offices, including those in San Diego, Los Angeles, Miami and Philadelphia, before getting the responses they were looking for."

Why is no one demanding the rest of the tape? The evidence where almost everyone they came into contact to at Acorn did the right thing? It's like shutting down an entire hospital because of one awful doctor and a shitty nurse. Investigative journalism is NOT when you go out and do undercover investigations, find one thing that confirms wrongdoing, and then portray it as rampant corruption. YouTube may have made this video popular, but it certainly did not help tell the truth.

Between these squirrelly, unethical "truth seekers" and the fucking lunatics who protested in DC on Sept. 12, I really give up. Americans are not, as far as I can tell, interested in truth or justice. The sad part is this is what the real American way might be.

Remembering the Nutjobs on Election Day

The Democratic primary is today in New York. I am relieved. There's not one candidate that I am actually interested in supporting, but at least the junk mail will stop. For the last six weeks, my mailbox filled with campaign flyers. Between Husband and me, we received 12 to 15 pieces of candidate crap every day.

Then again, at least these candidates are not insane. When I received my voter's guide from the New York City Campaign Finance Board (my second employer after college!), one of the mayoral hopefuls submitted the following answers to the Q&A:

1. WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE IN THE CITY YOU WOULD ADDRESS IF ELECTED? RENT Is Too Damn High there is nothing else to talk about. All poor people are being ran out of New York.

2. WHAT OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES WOULD YOU ADDRESS IF ELECTED? RENT is Too Damn High there is nothing else to talk about.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THIS OFFICE? I am a Rent Activist with real solutions to the High Rent Crisis that is driving out of this City. That is what makes me the best candidate for this job.

Rent is too damn high for most New Yorkers, but maybe this is not someone who really should be in charge of anything. He's not the first "single-issue" candidate to run for mayor in New York City, either. In the 1997, I sat through a debate in which one of the mayoral candidates proposed clearing out the South Bronx and building a new Disney World location. He felt that it was critical to do so to increase tourism. Uh huh.

I'm off to the polls. As Husband likes to say at moments like this, vaya con pollos.

Burned

For the second time in three weeks, I felt the sun bore down on the back of neck and forgot that I had sunscreen in my backpack. My fried neck was a small price to pay for such a gorgeous wedding, though:


I know I am biased, but I love (liberal) Jewish weddings. The chupa (wedding canopy) is so beautiful, and since I've never been to Orthodox wedding in which strict gender segregation is practiced, I always am extra-touched by the equality demonstrated in the ceremonies. Other than the sunburn, the only downside of the wedding was the number of bees flitting about the lush landscape. Bees scare me shitless. Another guest assured me that these bees were friendly, though, and I will say that it was certainly friendlier than the one that chased me around the parking lot of an ice cream shack at a beach town in New Jersey. (I offered that bee my ice cream and wallet to make it go away.)

Other things that I saw on my trip that uplifted my spirit, were these murals in the Mission District of San Francisco:



OK, so the birthing mural freaks me out a little (but I overall think it is cool) and the sidewalk graffiti is not technically a mural, but whatever. It reminded me that I like humanity. However, discussions that I had with friends and Bob Herbert's column in today's NY Times brought me back to reality.

I am burning with indignation at the lunatics who live in this nation. Protesting Obama's speech to school kids about studying hard and respecting teachers as socialist brainwashing? Calling him a Nazi? What the fuck is wrong with people? Of course, these are the same assholes who insisted that I had no right to dislike Bush since he was our president and as president, I needed to respect him. Gah!!!!! I give up.

ENTJ

The fifteen second Facebook Meyers-Briggs personality test classified me as an ENTJ. ENTJ stands for extraversion, intuition, thinking, and judgment. Normally I am skeptical about personality tests in general, and even more so about ones that take less than a minute to complete, but I've taken longer versions of Meyers-Briggs at leadership conferences, and I always come out an ENTJ.

What does it mean to be an ENTJ? The Facebook fifteen second explanation says:

You are frank, decisive, and assume leadership readily. You quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, and develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. You enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. You are usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding your knowledge and passing it on to others. You are forceful in presenting your ideas

I agree that describes me well, particularly that last line, not the the title of this blog would illustrate that point or anything. There's a much longer explanation on the Personality Page (along with a longer quiz, I think). My favorite line from that is, "ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run." Ha ha ha! If "beautiful" and "well-furnished" means crammed with random used furniture, some of which was scavenged from trash, then certainly that is true, too. (Part of what freaks me out about the renovation that might one day finish if I am lucky is that it made the apartment too nice - I feel like I don't belong here.)

Anyway, an ENTJ is basically a pushy person with strong opinions who values planning and success, hates wastefulness, and tries to hide a sentimental streak as wide as the Mississippi River. (Not the Mississippi up north where it's narrow, either.) Yeah. How about youse?

Three Adjectives

My friend decided to join a dating site. One of the many irritating tasks to complete her profile involved filling in three adjectives to describe yourself.

"What do you think of whiny, judgmental, and anxious?" she asked me.

After I picked myself up from the floor of the Indian restaurant (I had fallen off my chair laughing - almost not an exaggeration), I told her that I thought it was brilliant. "It's honest - although I do not think you are whiny - and intriguing. It seems like only people who get it, and thus get you, would respond." (Incidentally, I initially suggested that she use generous, intelligent, vibrant. OK, I actually said zestful, but she pointed out that sounds like a soap commercial, and just thought of vibrant now. Lively could also work. I still sort of like zestful, even if it is sudsy.)

Then I thought about what three adjectives I would use to describe myself. I realized that I would have to steal two out of three of her words because they are so true for me - judgmental and anxious. My third would be petty. I could substitute spastic or stressed for anxious and mocking for judgmental if I was forced to, but anxious and judgmental are just so perfect. Obsessive could also be a good choice. (If also forced to choose three positive ones, I would opt for entertaining, wonky, chatty.)

I hate ending blog posts by posing a question, but what three adjectives would you choose?

Congratulations, You're a Book Winner Now!

Last year, Alex Elliot and I thought that the world needed an anthology of first period stories. We asked the blogosphere for submissions at Congratulations, You're a Woman Now!, and 38 women and one man heeded our call. The stories are all fantastic - Alex and I laughed, we cried, and, we checked the backs of our pants for leaks, and we doubled over in sympathetic cramps. We thought we'd be able to select a group of authors in December and reach out to publishers with the project in January. We were stupid.

In the meantime, Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, a highly achieving 18 year old feminist, just presented her anthology of period stories,My Little Red Book to the world. It is a wonderful collection of short essays in which women of all ages from around the world reflect on their periods. Profits go to awesome charities supporting women globally. I was psyched that some publisher took on the book and that it would be doing good work in addition to getting women to share, but also sighed a lot. Sigh.

I had the chance to interview Rachel for BlogHer. She's just an awesome woman, and her book team rocks the house, too. In fact, they are offering copies of books to women who blog about their first period! Anyone who is interested in a copy can enter the contest by posting her essay, then linking to it in the comments of at my BlogHer post. I am beyond mortified that no one has yet done so, and I know that CUSS readers are brilliant, intrepid, and funny writers with great stories to share who also love free books. (Hint, hint....)

Stories should be posted by Friday, March 13 (somehow, Friday the 13th seemed like an appropriate deadline for stories about first periods). Spread the word...

Greetings, Not From the Machine*

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! Is it just me, or is it extra resonant this year, knowing that tomorrow we will inaugurate our first black president? I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.

Also, I have been reading Dreams from My Father in preparation for my lit seminar this semester. (It's the first book on the reading list, which is awesome.) Although my life story is nothing like Barak Obama's except that we both worked in Chicago at some point and are both dedicated to public service, I've really identified with his quest for identity and place. Again, it is not remotely the same, but at the same time, I also grew up with a living family who wanted the best for me, not knowing a portion of my heritage and wondering what they were like.

Discrimination comes in many forms, and its effects are pernicious whether through racism or anti-Semetism. Many businesses in America displayed signs on their doors reading, "No Blacks, No Jews, No Dogs," although the order was sometimes changed, and sometimes Jews were allowed, but not Irish. One of the things that I am most proud of as a Jewish person is the role that American Jews played in the civil rights movement, and continue to play in social justice movements. There is a concept called tikkun olam, in which it is everyone's responsibility to fix the world. Of course, on the flip side, one of the things that most upsets me about being Jewish is how many Jews are slumlords and exploiters of low income communities. In many cases, these are the only Jews that ever come into the lives of disadvantaged communities of many ethnic groups, and it is no wonder that the view of cheap, miserly Jews continues to thrive in those cultures.

At any rate, it is my hope that we are entering a new era of honest dialogue between ethnic groups, genders, classes, and all the other barriers that prevent real progress. Shit, if we can make a machine that takes pictures, calls people, sends emails, and fits in my pants pocket, I'd think we could figure out how to get along.

*Since Blackberries seem to do everything except change diapers and wipe butts, I like to call them "machines." Husband has had a machine for a few years now, and while I coveted one every now and then, I realized that I didn't really want one. Too much stuff to manage. Really, I just like a phone that works.

I Just Wanna Celebrate

Theo and Barack Obama* share a moment of victory in my apartment in the wee hours of the morning/late last night.

Man, last night was exciting.

*Yes, that is really Husband wearing a 99 cent paper mask he bought at a costume/card shop down the street that is disturbingly realistic, causing people to do double takes as when they notice a neckless Barack Obama with white hands walking down the street/on the subway/at an election results party/etc.

What Would CUSS Readers Do?: Holiday Gifts

On November 3, I will be writing about great gifts for feminist bloggers on BlogHer. Since I seem to only want bizarre things (like a Jody Davis Cubs jersey) or charitable things (donations to the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice and/or National Network of Abortion Funds), I seek input.

What do you want for the holidays?

Leave me a comment, and when I write up the post I'll link to your blog, unless you ask me not to do so. Be honest, but also be warned: I probably won't recommend gift certificates to waxing salons, even if it is something you would adore. I might buy you one, though. :)

Jeez, I can't believe the holidays are right around the corner.

Worth 1,000 Words*

(Photo credit: Reuters)

*Some actual words: This photo appeared in The Age, a newspaper in Australia, with the following caption, "Slip of the tongue: John McCain reacts after almost leaving the stage the wrong way following his debate with Barack Obama. Photo: Reuters." (The full story is McCain goes for jugular, but misses.) I first saw the photo on the front page of google news, and thought it was linked to a story in The Christian Science Monitor. It is also on the Reuters website, with a slightly longer caption, "Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain reacts to almost heading the wrong way off the stage after shaking hands with Democratic presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama at the conclusion of the final presidential debate at Hofstra University in Hempstead, October 15, 2008." Whew!

Theo Thursday: Stop Global Warming, Save the Poalr Bears

Theo is a Plush Animal Companion for Suzanne. His goal is to raise awareness of the plight of his cousins, the polar bears, whose habit is melting thanks to global warming. When he heard that Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin not only supports violating the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in order to drill for oil, but also denies that human behavior impacts global warming, he became enraged. Fortunately, unlike John McCain, he has a good poker face and can hide his temper for the greater good.

Theo thanks his plush canine friend for rallying the support of sled dogs for his cause.

Is Sarah Palin a C Word? A Scholarly Consideration of the Issue

On one of the many sites on which I've been devouring political discussions lately, a self-identified PUMA* was irritated that no one decried an Obama supporter who wore a t-shirt that read "Sarah Palin is a cunt" to a recent rally. To which my first thought was, "Well, she is a cunt, so why would I get my knickers in a bunch?" Then I felt a little bad, since I would probably be furious if someone wore a shirt like that with Hillary Clinton's name. Except that HRC is not really a cunt, so that's why I would be so irate. (Bill Clinton, however, is another story.)

Perhaps, I wondered, was I being unfair because I loathe Sarah Palin's evil social policies? Only an impartial and wise source could settle the matter for me. I whipped out my trusty slang dictionary, Slang and Euphemism: A Dictionary of Oaths, Curses, Insults, Ethnic Slurs, Sexual Slang and Metaphor, Drug Talk, College Lingo, and Related Matters (2nd Revised Edition) by Richard A. Spears. ("College lingo?" Seriously?) It read:

cunt (see also c*nt, c**t, c***,****,----) 1. the female genitals, specifically the vagina. [said to be from Latin CUNNUS (q.v.)] 2. women considered sexually. 3. copulation [in numerous spellings since the 1300s] The word was banned from print in much of the British Empire until the middle of this century, and it is the most elaborately avoided word in the English language. There are numerous dimunitives: CUNNICLE, CUNTKIN, CUNTLET, CUNNY. Avoidances are: INEFFABLE, MONOSYLLABLE, NAME-IT-NOT, NAMELESS. Disguises are: GRUMBLE AND GRUNT, SHARP AND BLUNT, SIR BERKLEY HUNT, TENUC, UNTCAY. See MONOSYLLABLE for additional synonyms. 4. a rotten fellow; a low, slimy man. [colloquial, 1800s-pres.] 5. to intromit the penis. [attested in a limerick, late 1800s] See also DECUNT.

Whew! That didn't entirely clear the matter up for me, but I believe that she meets definitions 1 (she is certainly interested enough in what comes out of other women's vaginas, anyway), 3 and 5 (she is totally going to screw us if she gets into the VP's office). Hence, Sarah Palin is, in fact, a cunt, and the t-shirt is accurate. Perhaps, however, anti-Palinites might want to wear shirts reading, "Sarah Palin is a monosyllable" to confuse her supporters and avoid controversy. (Plus, "monosyllable" is a great double-entendre in this case.)

Wasn't this fun? Not only did I learn interesting facts about my grandmother's favorite word (I love that she hates the word "fuck," but will cheerfully spew out a word that is otherwise "the most elaborately avoided word in the English language"), but also that I run against popular sentiment in my embrace of the word cunt.


*A group of the Clinton supporters who are possibly the sorest losers in political history.

Theo Thursday: Who is a Terrorist?

(Click on photo to enlarge)

Theodore Roosevelt Reisman is a plush animal companion who wants to live with his human friend and her husband in freedom. He became an activist when he heard that his polar bear cousin's lives were threatened by the so-called "pro-life" governor of Alaska and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. Theo believes that, although the Constitution does not seem to allow 20 year old stuffed animals to run for elected office, he is more qualified to be Vice President than Sarah Palin.

Good Deeds

The fine people at BlogHer are participating in the DonorsChoose Challenge. Basically, because public education is grossly underfunded in communities across America, teachers often spend their own money on supplies for the kids. Since many teachers are underpaid, they often cannot afford the things that they need for special projects that enrich kids' lives and help them learn. DonorsChoose is a website that lets teachers tell potential donors about what they need for their classroom and why. If donors like the idea, they can give a portion of the project cost or the full amount. All the projects are awesome.

For the DonorsChoose Challenge, I decided to write about a project called Puzzling Diversity. Mrs. G teachers four year olds in a low income community in Oklahoma. She would like puzzles for her pre-k classroom that illustrate the different types of careers that people from various ethnic backgrounds and genders can aspire to. I believe that almost nothing is more important than quality early childhood education, and I also love that Mrs. G is working with her kids at a young age to see outside of restrictive gender stereotypes and dream about what they can be when they grow up. Puzzles are also critical tools to help children develop fine motor skills and develop a spatial reasoning. Puzzling diversity really touches me in so many ways.

To equip her classroom with puzzles illustrating positive behaviors, Mrs. G only needs $75 more dollars. If 75 people give a dollar each, that would do it. I know that these are terrible times economically, but I think most people can spare a $1 to help kids. If you give $1 today, research on the benefits of quality early childhood education indicates that you will actually save between $7 and $17 in future spending (i.e. - taxes) because these programs lower the rate of dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, juvenile delinquency, repeated grades, and other social ills. So it's a double benefit to support Puzzling Diversity if you think about it.

When I was a wee lass, I wanted to be president when I grew up. I also, at various points, wanted to be Jenny Lind (aka The Swedish Nightengale; a singer who toured the world and charmed audiences with her melodious voice in the early 1900s), Florence Nightengale, a teacher, and/or a bank teller. Husband wanted to drive the bus to the zoo when he was pre-school age. How about you?

Things I Need Explained to Me

1. How are the events of Sept. 11, 2001 and their aftermath the fault of Democrats when the White House was controlled by a Republican, the House of Representatives were controlled by Republicans, and the Senate was split 50-50? (I ask this because director David Zucker told Entertainment Weekly that he switched parties after 9/11 "due to what he saw as Democratic dithering." Kelsey Grammer goes on to say, "A lot of people don't want to admit that a threat to this country exists." Yes, and that included your stupid fucking President Bush, who then used his ignorance to blame other people for 9/11.)

2. What feed reader is the best to use? (I ask this because I've had nothing but trouble with my lame attempts to get a better handle on my blog reading through the use of feed readers.)

3. Why do conservatives never want to engage in real conversation? (I ask this because I noticed that liberals and moderates comment frequently on the conservative posts at BlogHer, but the conservative posters never reply to posts from liberal or moderate bloggers. OK, I know the answer to this is because they don't like listening to facts and having their worldview challenged. Also, let's face it, I think many of them are just not smart enough to engage in a logical discussion. There. I said it.)

4. Why does it take 7-10 days for a haircut to settle into something decent? (I ask this because I got a haircut on Thursday and I think I look like a dipshit, but this happens every time I get a haircut, and all is well 7-10 days later.)

My Next Next Book

Upon the successful publication of Congratulations, You're a Woman Now!, I plan to pen a nonfiction tome entitled The Three-Fifths Compromise is Fucking Bullshit. I will expound upon the unfair and undue influence that this heinous policy accorded the South by denying that slaves were actual human beings, yet allowing them to be counted for the purposes of political representation. Once the Founding Fathers committed this egregious blunder, they set the pattern for the nation to be screwed for eternity.

Will Blog for Gift Cards

My pal Alex is running a contest over at Flexible Parenting Reviews. The prizes are good, and as we watch the federal government pour all of our hard-earned money to save corporations that paid their executives millions and millions of dollars to run their companies into the ground so that wage slaves could bail them out before the rest of the economy is destroyed and the wage slaves have no jobs, who can't use a gift card?

$1,000 Per Plate Obama Fundraiser in Wilmette Not at My Parents' House

According to the New York Times, Sen. Hillary Clinton "appeared at a $1,000-per-plate dessert reception on Sunday at a home in Wilmette, Ill." When I thought about the likelihood of the event hosted in my parents dining room with people hitting their heads on the poorly centered and too low chandelier, I could not stop laughing. I figured that guests would admire the unicorn on a heart shaped plaque hanging on the living room wall that I painted years ago at the Snoop Shop. Other news sources confirmed that my parents were not holding out on me and hosting secret fundraisers by identifying the host as Kevin Conlon. (I tried to remember if I knew anyone with that last name, but I don't think I do.) Man, would I be pissed if my parents really did host something like that and didn't invite me!

Incidentally, if Hillary Clinton had followed the advice that I psychically offered her in 2000, she would possibly be the presidential nominee instead of Obama. At the time, Illinois had a douche bag conservative senator with two years left on his term. He did not plan to run again. I suggested that Hillary move back to her the fine state of her youth and wait a bit to run for his seat, but nope. Like me, the lady did not want to go back home once she saw the glittering lights of New York. Instead, she moved here, became a Yankees fan (boo! hiss! for God's sake, any self-respecting Cubs' fan would know that they should adopt the Mets as their NY home team, which I think reflects her character, but I digress...), ran for Senate, and won. Fine, but had she gone home, Barack Obama would not have run for the open Illinois seat (or at least not won it in all likelihood), thus preventing him from gaining national prominence.

And the rest is history. Go Obama.

Oh, the Hypocrisy

Truly, what I love best about conservatives is their highly developed ability to speak out of both sides of their mouths. It's an impressive talent.

Case in point: Gov. Palin's pregnant 17 year old daughter. If Joe Biden's daughter or Hillary Clinton's daughter suddenly presented an unmarried pregnancy, I know that we would never hear the end of how evil and valueless these adult women are. The nerve of them, fornicating outside the sacred bonds of marriage! Yet another symbol of how Democrats and liberals bring Sodom and Gomorrah right here to our beloved United States, God bless it. Only people with no values would let their children stray into active sexuality. Clearly, they are not fit to lead the good people of this nation! In fact, it is likely God's wrath for the behavior of these harridans, these wanton sluts that sent Gustav to punish Americans for tolerating this slatternly behavior.

Instead, since it is their sweet evangelical governor/vice presidential candidate whose teen daughter indulged in extramarital sex, we get lectured for not minding our own business. After all, this is a family matter! Who cares if Gov. Palin supports abstinence for the rest of our children until they are married?!?! How dare anyone say anything about it!?!? Plus, as an alternate delegate told the New York Times, "Now she's a typical American family."

Boggles the mind. That said, I do feel bad for the kid. It's got to be pretty awful to have a nation discussing your unintended pregnancy.

Conventions and Orientations

Twenty years ago, I sat home and watched the Republican convention on TV every day. I was annoyed that there was nothing else on the boob tube to entertain me as I worked on a Strawberry Shortcake latch hook rug. (This is not to say that I did not find the programming interesting. In fact, it hooked - hardee har har, no pun intended - me onto politics.) Today, I'm disturbed by how little of the political conventions are televised on non-cable channels. I hope people really do get their information from other reliable sources. (Or maybe everyone has cable and is glued to news programming.)

Twenty years ago, I thought that I would be a lawyer who would defend abused children when I grew up. Last night, I went to the orientation for the writing program I will attend for the next two years. It was a semi-familiar late-August event for me, as it is my third graduate program in 11 years. (I attended Fordham University Law School for two days in 1997 before acting on the realization that my childhood ambition for my adulthood was not my young adulthood ambition; I went on to receive a Masters in Public Administration with a concentration in social welfare policy from Columbia University in 2000.) My friend Kim is also attending the MFA program at New School, so I felt a little less pressure. Still, it is scary meeting new people and trying new things. After 11 years working in public service, this writing thing is very new territory.

The good news is that everyone I spoke with was friendly and interesting. While I expected people to ask me who my literary idols are (to which I would be forced to admit are Carl Hiaason, Stephen King, and Lemony Snicket) and then snub me for my low brow tastes, no such incident occurred. I even was one of the last people to leave the post-orientation social event. This is not to say that there aren't people who immediately annoyed the crap out of me (I wouldn't be me otherwise!), but really, people were awesome. I far less nervous now, and so excited to start on Tuesday.

No Birth Control for You Because It's Against My Religion

So the Bush administration really did it. Yesterday, they re-wrote Dept. of Health and Human Services (HHS) guidelines to allow people to impose their personal definitions of abortion on women seeking health care services. It's a convoluted regulatory change that basically cuts off funding to family planning clinics that tend to serve low income women. (More information at NARAL and National Partnership for Women & Families.) You know, the same population who the Bush administration also denies health care coverage for their children. The same people who are always being told to take responsibility for their lives. Also? If you are raped? You don't have the right to get emergency contraception if you want it. Have a nice life.

We have 30 days to register our thoughts on this. Planned Parenthood is asking for donations specifically to fight this insanity. You can also sign petitions at NARAL (use the link above) and MoveOn, but of course, the Bush administration will just ignore them. (Still, it doesn't hurt to go on the record as a defender of your rights.)

If people wonder why I am bummed that our move to London was canceled even though it would have meant living apart from Husband for a part of the year so I could finish my MFA, you are now reminded why. Oh, yeah, and according to a report by the New York Times, the Bush administration is also "preparing to give the F.B.I. broad new authority to investigate Americans — without any clear basis for suspicion that they are committing a crime," so you know damn well that anyone who works for reproductive justice is going to be spied on. I can't wait to use the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) to read the nice fat file they'll put together on me. Maybe you want to rethink signing that petition...

Burning Question of the Day

If you could have a dishwasher or a washing machine and dryer, which would you choose?

I'm so going with the washing machine. We rarely cook, so it doesn't bother me to wash whatever dishes our microwaved meals generate (or even the frying pan when I make my daily eggs). It's a pain in the ass when we have larger group meals, like at Thanksgiving, but that's only a few times a year. I've never lived anywhere with a dishwasher, so I don't miss it.

On the other hand, I would kill for a washer and dryer. (And the person I'd kill gladly is the one who was in the laundry room of my building using every fucking machine the building owns.) Generally, I don't mind schlepping my clothes to the basement, but it's pretty damn expensive for a wash and dry. It would not be expensive to get my own machine, as the building shares the cost of water. Meaning: I'm already paying for the water that everyone else who has a machine uses, including the person whose machine empties soapy water into my kitchen sink every fucking morning. (Or at least I think it smells like laundry detergent that bubbles up; it could be dishwasher soap, but I'm not sure what that smells like, as I've never had a dishwasher.) Sure, I'd pay for the electricity to run the appliances, but it would so be worth it. Maybe some day.

Anyway, I'm curious what The People prefer, i.e. "What Would CUSS Readers Do? (WWCRD)."

The Audacity of Hope

Feeling partiotic this morning, I donned my "Bush is a Tush" t-shirt. As I sauntered up Amsterdam Avenue on my way to Barnes & Noble (they finally have Off the Beaten (Subway) Track in stock!), I noticed two guys engaging in the latest New York City annoyance: sidewalk fundraising. The sidewalk fundraisers wander around with a clipboard, approaching people and asking them things like, "Do you care about the environment?" or "Do you support gay rights?" If you are foolish enough answer yes, they then attempt to get you to give them money for the cause. I can't imagine that this works, but it must because the only sidewalk fundraisers I used to encounter were for Greenpeace, but now I see people from the DNC and Human Rights Camapign all the time.

Today's sidewalk fundraisers had t-shirts on for some progressive group whose name I can't remember. I figured that my "Bush is a Tush" t-shirt made me a big target. Silly me. I assumed that people would read my chest.

"Do you want to defeat John McCain in November?" the bearded sidewalk fundraiser asked me.

"Do I look like the type of person who supports John McCain?" I asked with disdain, pulling my t-shirt away from my body a bit so he could read it without feeling like a pervert.

"Bush.... is... a... tush," he read aloud, sloooooowly. Then he frowned. "So do you support John McCain?"

"Damn, we might really lose this election," I thought. "Good thing we are moving to London!" Not long after that, I called Husband at work. He sounded glum.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"London might be off the table," he grumbled.

At that moment, a pigeon flew into my head. (I am OK, albeit repulsed, as my hair now is infested with rank pigeon germs. Those things are flying sewer rats.) Could the signs be more ominous? I am very displeased.

All You Need is Love

Last night, Husband and I had a date! We attended a performance of Passing Strange, a fascinating musical with an excellent cast and excellent book. The show explores which is more real - art or love? My biggest beef with the show was that I am not sure which side it came down on. Husband thought art, but I thought they suggested that you should abandon your dreams for love. Either one is unsatisfying to me.

Anyway, a few days ago, one of my most favoritest bloggers, Suebob (who I also like to count as one of the friends I made online), gave me a touching award, Now I get to tell the world about ten bloggers that I really love. (Fortunately, Suebob already sang the praises of Des and Count Mockula, and I agree with her completely. And I think it is clear that my feelings for Suebob echo hers for me, so this opens the playing field for me to include ten other folks.) Even though I have been shitty at reading blogs lately, and even shittier at leaving comments, I always love these bloggers who post regularly:

1. Alex Elliot has been my friend for over 15 years, and her stories at at Formula Fed & Flexible Parenting always crack my ass up and/or teach me something new. She's a fabulous friend and wonderful parent, and she was even on TV once to talk about the important of not judging new moms for how they feed their babies!

2. Average Jane is anything but. She leads an awesome life in the Midwest with her kitties and hubby and band. When I met her at BlogHer last year, I also thought she had the coolest hair ever. I sort of want to be just like her.

3. Eddie at Chicken Fat is one of my first blog friends. I adore his wit, thoughts on culture and politics, and appreciation for comfort food. Some day, I am going to get down to Marietta and hang out with him.

4. Liz Rizzo rules. She writes about sex and relationships at BlogHer and on a spectrum of topics at her own blog, Everday Goddess. I think she is incredibly brave in the many ways she lives her life on her own terms.

5. Hecticmom - Completely Undone is talented (she makes leotards for her baton champion daughter!), smart (a pioneering tech woman), and adorable (just check out her picture)! I am so hoping that we get to meet one day.

6. Her blog title, I, Asshole, says it all: SJ is just the best.

7. Jessica is another super awesome woman who inspires and awes me. She rocks.

8. Mar of Room for Thought is another one of those women I curse myself for not living closer to. She's insightful, wise beyond her years, and lots of fun. I LOVED it when she stopped over in NYC on her way to London and hung out with me in the rain. Yes, the woman is spirited!

9. I wish that I were like Woman with No Regrets. She's gone through some shit, and she's trucking through and not looking back. She's a smartie for sure.

10. Erika Journey at Plain Jane Mom is another mom who blogs with the goods. Like Suebob, she's a connector, and always finds great things to point her readers to. I can't wait to see her again in July at BlogHer.

Since CUSS is all about spreading the word, I hope that some of you will also write little commendations for your favorite bloggers. Happy end of May!

I Remember Mama Voting

Today was a long day (wrote a post about the firing of the most powerful woman on Wall Street at BlogHer, and also one on public service and burnout at Just Cause; went to work and did my data entry tasks; edited the proof of my book; and joined Husband at a painful networking event for NYU's Young Alumni Leaders Circle, of which he is a member, not me), but I don't have it nearly as hard as millions of other women in this country who work at least one paid job, then go home to take care of their families. So while my eyes are still (barely) open, I want to take part in ACORN's I Remember Mama Voting event. The campaign asks people to think about your own mother or mother figure and how she may or may not have influenced your political views and your attitudes about voting and civic participation.

Where I grew up, it was assumed that everyone of legal age voted. (This was outside of Chicago, so generally our dead didn't also vote.) Our assigned polling station was at the Jesuit boys' high school down the street from our house. Part of the excitement I felt when I accompanied my mom as she went to vote was from entering what I considered a mysterious space. Incidentally, the actor Chris O'Donnell attended this high school, so he was probably there when I went with my mom to vote. (He also went to the same dentist as my family, but I digress.)

I think what makes this so interesting is that I associate my mom voting with Jesuit boys. My mom is not as involved in political causes as I am, but my family has always been Democrats surrounded by a Republican community. I just always knew that Republicans were not for us, although when I was older, I remember overhearing my father telling our neighbor a bizarre joke about my mom voting for Ronald Reagan because she thought Jimmy Carter had bad legs. I was utterly horrified at the thought. How could my mom vote for a Republican?!?! Fortunately, when I asked her about it, she had no idea what I was talking about, but it was my first exposure to the stereotypical notion that women don't vote on the issues, but rather on a candidate's attractiveness. I thought that was the dumbest thing any woman could do, and swore I would follow my mom's example and always vote for the candidate who would help "the people." Thanks, Mom!

To participate in I Remember Mama Voting, post your story on your blog and then link to it at ACORN's site.

The Hardest Work in the World?

If I thought getting through 21 hours of my new job was challenging, I can't imagine what it would be like to work as a prostitute. Generally, even the fanciest ones face severe danger. If a client robs, beats, or rapes you, who are you going to turn to for help? Certainly not the police, as you'd then be arrested for breaking the law yourself. The law makes prostitutes even more vulnerable.

I think prostitution should be legal, and I wrote all about it at BlogHer. Hop over there and take a gander. Think I'm brilliant? Full of shit? (Well, that's sadly literally true, as my digestive system decided to melt down today, but that's another story.) Leave a comment over there and start the discussion: How do you think we can best protect sex workers?

I'm Alive!

Just in case anyone was worried since I didn't post since I mentioned that my stomach might explode, it didn't. I was just running around like an idiot today, trying to finish articles, grade budgets (one thing I actually finished), take pictures for the book, edit the pictures and ftp them to the publisher, and eat Indian sweets. The last part was not taxing.

As my brother-in-law spruced up the book photos on his computer this evening, I learned that New York State's governor, Eliot Spitzer, who ran on a big reform platform and was formerly the State Attorney General who busted all the corrupt folks on Wall Street, was caught in a federal prostitution sting. It seems that he had a high-priced hooker sent down from NY while he was in DC one night, which is against a 1910 law that prohibits transporting a person across state lines for "immoral" purposes.* There's all kinds of media circus going on around this.

My friend wanted to know why he just couldn't settle for a DC call girl like the other politicians. A former colleague who works in New Jersey sent me an email asking me what was wrong with my governor. "My governor may pay for sex," I replied, "but yours is trying to buy a new Florida primary for his friend Hillary Clinton." I'm not really sure which is worse.

*Honestly, this law scares the crap out of me because I now fear it will be used against people who leave on state to go to another to obtain an abortion, but that's another story.

Birthplace of Democracy

When I voted in Tuesday's primary, I felt like I did my part for democracy, rather than what we've had for the past two presidential administrations, which is democrazy. While I believe that Sen. Clinton's health plan is superior to Sen. Obama's, I also think that Clinton is a candidate I don't entirely trust. Of course, she's far better than any of the Republican candidates and I will do everything I can to make sure she is our next president if she is the Democratic nominee, but today I cast my vote for Obama. I think he would make a fine president.

However, if in November, we do somehow wind up with another four years of Republican theocracy (theocrazy?) and fiscal corruption, I am moving to an island in Greece. Why an island in Greece? I wish I could say it is because I want to return the roots of Western civilization or something profound like that, but the truth is that I am obsessed with Greek yogurt. Until my friend Mara introduced me to it in early December, I had no idea that yogurt could be so thick and rich. Not to harp on my pudding obsession, but seriously, Greek yogurt is like yogurt pudding. To live among a people who produce such amazing yogurt would be an honor.

Also, I really love feta cheese. This actually makes a lot of sense because I am a Capricorn (aka The Goat), and as the nutty talk show host Mike said to me this summer, "Beavers suckle beavers; sheep suckle sheep. Why should babies drink formula?" Of course, that sentence just me laugh at the time, but now I see its truth: as a human goat, I obviously prefer items made from goat milk. (There's an extremely icky path we can also go down here about making cheese from human milk, but let's not.)

Not understanding Greek is going to be a large obstacle for me, but really, when learning any foreign language, it's all Greek to me. (yuk yuk.) I'll fit right in amongst the furry goats and hairy people anyway. While my dream of living on a goat farm in Greece is tempting, if not extremely smelly, I really do hope that it does not come to fruition. Let's go Obama! It's time for change in the US.

Good Citizenship

In a few minutes, I'm leaving to vote, go to the post office, and workout at the gym. I believe that these are the three fundamental tenets of citizenship, no? OK, maybe not the gym, but certainly voting and using our fine national mail service.

I'm particularly thinking about what being a good citizen means because of a conversation going on over at BlogHer about being "pro-life". (And, incidentally, there is also an excellent post about being "pro-choice.") I left a comment on the "pro-life" post about entrusting individuals to make decisions based on their own beliefs and circumstances, and was shocked when my comment was compared to Nazi Germany and the American South during slavery. When I protested (not as articulately as I should have), several more comments comparing the Holocaust to legal abortion appeared.

Pretty much nothing enrages me more than the grotesquely inaccurate comparison of legal abortion (in which individuals decide for themselves whether or not to terminate a pregnancy) and genocide (in which government round people up and kill them). People have the right to believe that abortion is murder. I can understand why someone would think that, and while I do not agree with that belief, I can respect it. However, unless a government is building special pregnancy termination centers, removing women from their homes, and forcing abortions on them, it is not even remotely close to a holocaust. To compare an individual choice to a state-sponsored killing machine severely undermines the true evil of genocide around the world. If someone cannot understand this extremely fundamental difference... seriously, I am actually at a loss for words.

Anyway, I am not a Nazi (although yesterday I drafted a very sarcastic and angry post in response to this outrageous slander, which I may have the good sense to never allow to see the light of publication), and I am going to vote today. I'm proud to participate in a democracy, and I am even prouder to stand up for self-determination in the face of ideological bullying.

I'll Talk Politics Closer to Super Tuesday

Iowa Caucus, New Hampshire primary - I say bah! Nothing against the fine citizens of those states, but since the often don't represent what the rest of this country looks like, I refuse to get my knickers in a bunch over their electoral preferences at this point. This whole way of deciding who runs for the highest office in the land is bunk. Let's chat about it as more people across the nation step up to make their voices heard.*

*As I type this, Husband is on the phone with Alex's husband, insisting, "I told you that Bill Richardson is going to come back. He.Is.On.Fire!" I adore his optimism.

Pearl Harbor

It's foot soaking and reflecting time. We woke up dark and early (the sun doesn't come up until after 6:30) and headed over to the USS Arizona Memorial. Tickets to the memorial are distributed on a first-come-first-serve basis at 7:30, and it is definitely true that if you snooze, you lose. Husband and I got into a long line at 7:00, reached the ticket counter at 8, and received tickets for the 9:00 AM tour. (By the time we left at 10:30, the day's tours were fully booked. The last tour, incidentally, is at 3:00.)

Three things really struck me while I was there. First, I was distraught at how the museum glossed over the gross inequities among servicemen. For example, it mentioned a brand new club that military men could enjoy, but neglected to mention that only white servicemen were allowed in, since the military was segregated. As usual, minorities got the shittiest jobs. Also, given the number of Hawaiians and Asians who served, I thought more attention should be paid to how they were discriminated against and even illegally rounded up. It's always pained me that while some guys - Asian, black, other "non-white" - were off fighting, their families suffered under Jim Crow and in interment camps. I realize that this is not the point of the memorial, but to me, the people who died serving a country that didn't treat them fairly deserve even more recognition for their sacrifices. (Husband pointed out that the museum is super tiny and they are trying to raise money to expand it, so maybe this will be addressed.)

I was incredibly distressed to learn that the servicemen didn't have to be caught so unaware by the attack. It seems that two guys monitoring the radar equipment noticed a fleet unexpectedly coming in. They checked and re-checked the equipment to make sure it wasn't malfunctioning, and when it still showed unexpected activity, they called it in. The guy at the information center was new - it was his first day - and he told them to ignore it. It seems that a delivery of new aircraft were due from California that day, and he assumed that is what was showing up on the radar. As a result, no warning was sounded. Over 2,000 people died. Incidentally, many Hawaiian citizens died that day as well when anti-aircraft shells misfired and fell on Honolulu. The whole thing was a tragedy that maybe could have been less severe if that info center guy took some time to verify what was going on.

On a positive note, my guidebook notes that the Japanese may have been successful in reaching a high death toll and fucking up many ships, but their focus on ships probably ultimately cost them the war. Turns out that a better target would have been the fuel tanks behind the ships and airfields. These tanks powered all of America's Pacific Fleet. According to the book, "If a single bomb had been dropped on just one of the tanks, it could have set them all ablaze. It would have a taken a year to replace that fuel. A year that our aircraft carriers would have sat idle without any gas. A year that the Japanese Navy would have had free reign." So at least that was a good outcome from a horrific event.

Overall, despite my nitpicking, the memorial was heart-rending and very emotional. I am so glad that we had the opportunity to see it. The USS Arizona is under 40 feet of water, so only the very tips of the ship are visible. Although it continues to leak oil to this day (some call it the tears of the dead), many beautiful fish were swimming around the gun turrets and other areas, almost in tribute to those who lost their lives. It was hard not to cry thinking about that fateful day.

After the memorial, Husband and I explored a WWII US submarine, the USS Bowfish. The recorded audio tour was done by the men who served on the sub, and hey had great senses of humor. It was a lot of fun. The sub sank over 40 Japanese ships, if I remember correctly. (It was a lot.)

Since we didn't leave until well after 1 pm, and my foot hurt a little, and we were really hungry, we skipped today's planned hike up a cliff. We'll try to do something athletic tomorrow after we take a tour of a former sugar plantation. The tour guides are all former workers, and they discuss what life was like on a plantation from their perspective, so I am very excited for this.

You're a Woman Now, so Demand to Read about It

Since Husband is in San Francisco for work (poor dude got back from London on Sunday night and took off for the West Coast bright and early on Monday morning), he doesn't need the car to drive to his office in Connecticut. I decided that I will take advantage of the availability of our automobile (which I always think of as his since his work pays for it and I never drive it for a variety of reasons, the primary one being that I hate driving and fear the maniacal NYC traffic) and motor up to see Alex. We plan to work out more details for my idea to put together an anthology of first/early period stories, tentatively titled Congratulations, You're a Woman Now!.

Not long after I first conceived of the need for an anthology of this nature, I emailed my friend who also served as my agent for Off the Beaten (Subway) Track and told him about it. Oddly, he was not nearly as enthused about the idea as I was:

I've read a few proposals for this very idea for an anthology and think it is a tough one. The problem is 1) to put an anthology together for sale you need some pretty big names, or at least recognizable. 2) the subject matter for most people is a bit squeamish, even for girls. I had two female interns read the proposals and both did not like... I could be wrong, so if you're passionate about it, sell me on it.

My initial reaction to his response was not constructive ("Well, those female interns are obviously cunt-face bitches who read shit like Devil Wears Prada while staggering around in their pointy-toes stilettoes getting snatch waxes, so they wouldn't know a good idea if it hit them in their Sephora-made-up faces."), but then I buckled down and realized that what my friend was saying is that I need to show that girls aren't squeamish about their first periods because the topic is fucking funny in retrospect. I think the outpouring of interest that is still emerging on my original blog post is a good indication that people do want a book like this.

Anyway, the goal is to come up with a framework for proposal submissions, a plan for compensation, and a website that organizes the whole thing. In the meantime, the more I hear from people who are interested in reading a book of funny essays about the early days of getting a period, the better. (For an example of the types of writing that would be in the book, see 1980 was an interesting year by Jessica.) The first battle in the war for this book is to demonstrate that it is a commercially viable product.

Some Shit You May or May Not Know

Although I am a mouthy bitch, I have a strange fear about losing friends if I don't comply with their requests. I'm not talking about requests to do anything illegal - say, like do drugs (nope, I don't hang out with people who try to pressure me into dope!) - but little things like fill out a meme on random things about me. So here goes, but I'm not tagging anyone at the end.

1. I had two brilliant ideas this week. Seriously, that is amazing!

2. My first brilliant idea was to get a koala tattoo on my cooter, thus creating a natural bush-y environment for the little critter to hide. I really like saying, "Koala in the bush!"

3. Brilliant idea numero dos is to edit an anthology of essays about getting your period. I think this will make for excellent reading, and it is very important to me to find a wide range of experiences: people who are young; people who are not so young; people who got their period when they were young (before age 12 or 13); people who got their period when they were older (after age 15); people who were poor; people who are not hetero; people who are not white; people of different religions; people with non-traditional family structures; etc. I'm working with Alex Elliot to set up a website to officially collect submissions, and I'm also crafting a proposal for publishers. That is how motherfucking serious I am about this. It's my next book project.

4. My first book project resulted, three years after conception (sort of like an elephant gestating, but longer and with more typos) in Off the Beaten (Subway) Track. It's a travelogue/guidebook to wacky and unusual things in New York City. When it comes out this summer, hopefully without typos, I am going to have a book party. All my blog readers are invited.*

5. I thought my second book would be Medical History Museums of the United States and the World because I love medical history museums and saying the title (and making a sweeping hand gesture) makes me laugh almost as much as saying, "Koala in the bush!" Many people felt that there would be an extremely limited audience for a book on medical history museums, though. Then I got a better idea anyway (see fact #3), so I'll wait a little longer for this one.

6. Insomnia plagues me periodically. Hence I am writing this post at 2 am, which may explain why it is so slap-happy.

7. In January, I will seek a part-time job in community development. It is my sincerest hope that I don't let myself be guilt-tripped into working on child care policy. I am weak, though.

8. Speaking of guilt, I admit to loving the most craptastic show on Tv, CSI:Miami. It amuses me so much that I named my non-existant koala in the bush Horatio after the main character. Horatio is campily played by David Caruso, who I truly adored on NYPD Blue, which is one of my all-time favorite shows.

I may actually fall asleep after writing this. Hooray!

The Boob Tube

Back in my house that my parents requested that I no longer refer to as "Jewish white trash," we used to have a small B&W TV in the kitchen. It sat on the china hutch behind my dad's chair at our cramped kitchen table until I was about 7 or 8. (The generic canned grape juice and fruit punch was stored under the table next to my dad's feet and the heating vent.) I nearly late for the bus every morning because I sat, my eyes glazed over at the "woody Woodpecker" cartoons that blared at me while cereal dripped out of my mouth due to the trance induced by toy commercials. This was not acceptable, according to my mom. Further, my mom decided that watching quality programs like "Tic Tac Dough" and "Joker's Wild" were not better than family discussions. The TV was whisked away. (She was wrong, of course. Much dinner table talk revolved around whether there were boogers in the Kool Aid, as my sister maintained, or not.)

Sources (i.e. - my mom) also claim that in my youth, I used to watch an enormous amount of cartoons on Saturday morning and ask for every damn toy that was advertised. The answer was always, "No." Eventually I stopped being a brat, but I didn't stop watching the cartoon lineup. While I could barely get my little ass out of bed for school during the week, every Sat. morning I woke up at 6:30 like clockwork so that I could begin my day of leisure with the craptastic show known as "Zoobilee Zoo." (Sometimes I even got up earlier and stared at the colored bars that dominated the screen before the station went back on the air. Man, that was a long time ago when stations didn't have 24/7 programming.) To be fair, I acknowledged that this show was shit. However, I did not want to miss risking "Gummy Bears," which I think was on at 7:00, followed by "Snorks," "Smurfs" (totally the best, although the presence of only one girl Smurf puzzled my burgeoning feminist mind), "Foofur," and god only knows what else. Whatever live action shows came on interested me not a whit.

Through the November Blog Exchange, my friends Alex and Amy Jo are having a civil debate about whether or not kids should watch TV. While I turned out fine (sort of, anyway), I think I embody the downsides of both of their arguments. I am so proud.

My Eyes are Still Stinging

Based on anecdotal evidence, adults seize upon Halloween as an opportunity to display their "wild" sides. Nationwide, the availability of "sexy" costumes in stores seems to be higher each year, sometimes making it impossible to find anything remotely covering unless you make it yourself. In New York City, however, this unfortunately provides a convenient and unacceptable excuse for individuals to not wear pants/skirts. Or underwear.

I knew I was in for a night when, on my way to a community Halloween party in the East Village, I observed several women whose costumes consisted of shirts. How men's dress shirts with sparkly purses as accessories are costumes is beyond me. I dodged several of these mysteries along with countless "sexy" pirates until I met my friends (one was Mighty Mouse and the other a vampire disco guy) and we went to a gay dive bar where no one really wore costumes. My cronies loved that I was going to a gay bar dressed as a bride.

After I drank a stiff Diet Coke (it was flat), we headed to the party. It was an all day event at a community theater center. Scott and Mark had already been there for a little while before they left for stronger drinks at the bar, and they warned me that a naked man was wandering around the party. I spotted him as soon we entered the lobby. "Oh, shit!" I told my friends upon seeing his extremely furry naked torso. "I know this guy!" He was the naked guy contestant in the Mr. Lower East Side pageant that I attended in October 2005.

The whole night I marveled at the weirdness of recognizing that guy. Many other men were wearing minimal amounts of clothing, but I thought that Naked Guy had the biggest balls to go full monty. After I downed a watery glass of apple juice at the bar, it was time for the costume contest. Who could beat the Naked Guy?

Unfortunately, Naked Guy with Elephantitis of the Scrotum could. When he walked across the stage with his softball-sized nut sac, I realized that I needed to wash my eyes out with soap when I got home to rid myself of the vision. Further, I had a bad feeling I knew him, too. At the same Mr. Lower East Side pageant, the previous years' winner of the title "Best Nut Sac" was a man spoken wonderously of as "Tommy Nut Sac." I suspect that was who I set my eyes on during the costume parade.

Now there's inherently nothing wrong with men who have sacs that are 15 times larger than normal ones, I just don't want to see them live and in person for the most part. (That's what medical history museums are for!) I was fairly repulsed when the guy won for "Best Erotic Costume." A naked man with a giant sac does not equal erotic in my not-especially-selective book. The stiff Diet Coke and weak apple juice just weren't enough to make me lower my not-so-high standards.

Suzanne, The Busy Beaver*

I forgot to note that the wedding I went to was for one of Husband's co-workers, hence we drove for 5 hours plus with three of his colleagues and sat for another four hours with almost everyone from his office, including the boss man. The boss man is someone I am always nervous around for a variety of reasons. First, he used to have a photo of himself with Karl Rove prominently displayed. Terrifying. Then, I fear that I will say or do something totally inappropriate and make Husband's situation uncomfortable. Remember, I can't even get through a ribbon cutting at an affordable housing development without sighing and rolling my eyes. Can you imagine what spending time with someone who admires one of Satan's prime henchman is like for me?

Thus when boss man's very kind wife asked me what I was up to these days and I started talking about my book (for which I have launched an extremely lame temporary blog until I can work with the publisher to get something spiffier and more official), it was a relief. However, that led me to admit that the next travel book I want to do is "Medical History Museums of the United States and the World," which would be absurdly expensive to write given the international travel component and probably find a very limited audience. That audience seems to include boss man, as we wound up avidly discussing medical history for 15 minutes while everyone at the table stared at us. It seems that most people don't like thinking about the horrors of non-modern medicine while they try to eat steak and crab-stuffed shrimp. Ooops.

Anyway, back to beavers. Answers to my long ago posted question (What the fuck do people think they will find when they google "jewish pussy?") continue to trickle in. I found these two responses in my inbox this morning:

It's simple. I am a Jewish man who appreciates Jewish women and want to see Jewish pussy which physicall is no different than any other I suppose except that it is connected to Jewish women. I think it is like any other ethnic, cultural fascination, hence porn site dedicated to Latinas, Blacks, or Indian women. It's the pussy I prefer and I have a hunch it's the same reason for the other hits you've received.

On to the second comment:

I want to see photographs of nice naked Jewish women up close and personal. I like pubic hair and good personal hygiene. My life is empty.

I hate to shatter the illusion, but just because something is labeled "Jewish pussy" doesn't mean the models are actually Jewish. Some probably are, but given the general dearth of Jewish women in the world, I tend to doubt that the vast majority of "Jewish" porn truly features Jews. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my point: how the fuck do you know what "Jewish" pussy looks like compared to gentile pussy? It's just not possible to tell. (And as I learn more and more about the Jewish Diaspora, it's important to note that not all Jews are white. But I digress.) I did laugh my ass off at that "My life is empty" line. Dude, I write about unshaved snatch and spend time analyzed people's comments about their online Jewish pussy fetishes. What does that say about my life? Oy vey....

Thanks to Des for her comment on the last post for this hilarious title.

Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

The worst part of the devastating effects of the Bush administration on this nation may just be how much more cynical many people like me have become. It's not that I wasn't cynical to begin with, but it's gotten to the point where even a natural disaster makes me roll my eyes and heave sighs. I read about how efficient FEMA has been in providing aid to evacuees in San Diego County - which is great; no one should have to suffer like the people in New Orleans did - and instead of thinking how glad I am that FEMA got its shit together, I sigh because I am sure that FEMA got its shit together because San Diego County is 66% white and about 80% Republican. Oh, and nearly a quarter of people who live there have household incomes of more than $100,000 per year.

Again, this is not to say that upper middle class white Republicans should not be helped in disasters, although I actually do sort of think that people who voted for Bush should be forced to live in the same horrific conditions that the administration wrought on New Orleans residents, 67% of whom are black and 54% of whom have household incomes of less than $30,000 per year. (I don't know what percent are Democrats, but I think it's safe enough to assume that it is a number proportional to the percent of Republicans in San Diego County.) Years ago, I would have just hoped that everyone who lived through a tragedy would get the help they need and I would be proud that our government was serving them. These days, I just wonder if the fires where in Compton or South Central if FEMA would have managed to get 25,000 cots delivered to the local stadium safe haven on time. I suspect not.

Some day, I may be able to get over the polarized, punitive political environment that Republicans have worked so hard to craft since their "revolution" in the 1990s. Until then, I will be suspicious when good things happen to wealthy white Republican areas, and worse, a small part of me will wish that they didn't get help in times of need since they are only too happy to deny the same courtesy to others. (Is it wrong for me to hope that the random fires only consume the homes of Republicans? They are most likely to get the best recovery assistance, right?) Very sad comment on the current state of affairs in our nation.

Riding the Short Bus in Albany

The Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) is the state agency that oversees the subways and buses in New York City. Most of them live outside of the City and the surrounding suburbs, and the previous head of the MTA had never taken the subway when our former hack Republican governor (let me be clear - he's still a hack and a Republican, just thankfully not governor) appointed him. Now the geniuses in Albany (our state capital) are considering a fare hike for people who use public transportation during peak hours and a discount for those who don't. I think the conversation went something like this when the idea was proposed:

MTA Employee 1: Too many people use the subway during rush hour.

MTA Employee 2: I know! It's weird that all those people in NYC try to go to work between 9 and 10 am. It's not like most jobs start at those hours or anything.

MTA E1: Seriously! I bet we can get people to use public transit later or earlier if we raise the prices during rush hour. Employers don't really care what time people get to work, so this will definitely be an incentive for people to change their schedules.

MTA E2: Yeah! And even if that works and people do use mass transit during off-peak hours, let's not sell discount monthly passes. If you want a transit pass, it's full price no matter when you travel. That way, New Yorkers can just pay higher prices and tourists and other people who are visiting can get discounts!

MTA E1: Great point. I just don't understand why tourists should have to pay regular fares that help sustain the mass transit system. It's not like they live there or anything, so it's no benefit to us folks in Albany when we randomly visit the city. Oh - did I say us? I meant tourists in general. Remember a few years ago when the MTA had a deficit and we gave discounts during the holiday weekends to anyone without a pass?

MTA E2: Ha ha ha. That was great. My family loves shopping in the City for Christmas gifts, but why should we pay for the subway? Just because New York City is the economic engine that supports this entire state doesn't mean that they shouldn't shoulder the full burden of maintaining mass transit - and our roads upstate so that when we go to work during rush hour, it's a comfortable and cheap commute.

Smile if You Hate Bush*

For a few reasons, it's been a long time since I last wore my violet t-shirt that has a child-like drawing of a girl frowning and next to her, in a first grader's handwriting - complete with backwards "a" - says "Bush is a tush." Mostly I hadn't worn it because I gained some weight and was afraid to even put it on because I didn't want to find out that it didn't fit. Since I recently decided that I should be less concerned with whether I look "fat" or not, I broke the t-shirt out yesterday and went on my merry way to Brooklyn. (For the record, it fit fine anyway.)

I don't remember the last time I wore the shirt in NYC, but I'm fairly sure that I had limited reaction to it. (Unlike when I wore it in Ocean City, NJ, two summer ago and a man in a coffee shop blew up at me. "You should consider yourself lucky to have Bush as your president," he spewed in my face as I stared at him like he clearly just got here for Uranus, which is obviously explained his stupid asshole behavior. It's amazing how many people I run into from that testy planet.) My sartorial choice yesterday, though, demonstrated how much times have changed.

As I walked around, I noticed an unusual number of people smiling at me. At first I thought they were mocking me for wearing a Mets hat when the Mets are imploding, but then I realized it was appreciation for the shirt. (Or maybe my boobs, but I'm pretty sure it was the shirt's message.) I stopped into the legendary Peter Luger's steakhouse for lunch (the $8.95 1/2 pound burger is amazing), and several waiters came up to me to say things like, "Great shirt!"

An even more interesting sign of the times might be the reaction I got when I wore my "My Bush could do a better job" tank top to Ocean City this August. Not one person said anything nasty to me, and I got a big "Love your shirt!" from a college-age guy I passed on the street. So either anti-Bush sentiment is spreading, pro-bush love is abounding, fewer people from Uranus are polluting Earth, or some combination of all of the above. It's excellent progress.

Crack is Whack

Supposedly, the horrific crack epidemic that swept the nation in the 1980s ended in the early '90s, but I have found much anecdotal evidence that the US remains full of crackheads.

My first (and most solid proof) derives from the fact that there are still people out there who think that the Iraqi war is going well and we should just do what we've been doing thus far and things will be just fine, thank you for the refreshing crack-laced lemonade, dear. Sure, I see fewer and fewer letters to the editor in The New York Times supporting this position. (Even a year ago, they ran about even with pro and con letters.) My assumption is that there are no, if any, good-for-the-brave-and-fearless-leader-Bush-for-his-wise-invasion letters coming in or the paper would print a few. On the other hand, I just read a story in New York magazine about Col Allan, the editor-in-chief of The New York Post, and the man is clearly on crack when he talks about Iraq. (Actually, most of his insane behavior indicates that he is a crackhead.)

Other anecdotal evidence on the nation's continuing crackhead mindset stems from comments I see on the blogs I read. Por ejemple, yesterday I was reading a new response to the little essay I wrote about Jewish feminist leaders. To sum up, I wrote about how Jewish women advocated for social equality in the US from the 1850s on. It did not compare Judaism to other religions, nor did it have anything to do with the Holocaust. Yet someone responded, apropos of nada, that Jews are probably more equal than Christians, and further, she was miffed that her family received no thank you letters after her grandfather helped Dutch Jews during WWII. Obviously his actions show that he was not on crack, but I can't see what on earth this has to do with American Jewish women and feminist leadership. I know that anyone who has a blog who ever wrote anything remotely political or personal or maybe even about a sandwich they ate that day has received these what-the-fuck? comments.

Americans: listen to Whitney and lay off the crack, because it seriously makes you crazy.