Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

* because life is hairy *

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Barbie Memories

Instead of going to bed when I got home from post-class hanging out (which I would do if I had better judgment), I farted around online for a while. "Why not check out the status of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track on" I thought to myself. "Sleep is overrated, anyway."

I was distracted from my fact finding mission when I opened the Amazon homepage and was greeted by this:

What's Your Favorite Barbie Memory?
Over the past 50 years, Barbie has filled homes with memories and inspired millions of children to dream--to see themselves as astronauts, rock stars, doctors, fashion designers, professional athletes, and even female Presidents. Shop the Barbie Store for great deals just in time for the holidays.

Gah! I swear that must be James Bond Villainess Barbie! It is so evilly insipid and scary, I can easily imagine it luring James Bond Ken into bed ("Hello, Mr. Bond," it says with a Russian accent as it removes its top. "Would you like to heat up this new cold war?") and then trying to bludgeon him with a frozen Chicken Kiev.

That said, I loved Barbies until I was nine or ten years old, which was several years beyond my peers' interest in playing dolls. In second grade, I received the Barbie Dream House and the Dream Store as gifts for Hanukkah, and I went to town setting up the store on the first floor of the house. I liked combing Barbies' hair, dressing her in glamorous dresses and stiletto shoes that inevitable fell off her feet and got lost in my bedroom carpet until I found one by stepping on it barefoot and driving a mini hole in my sole, and, in the later years, assisting Ken in scoring. It is almost sad how much interest my penis-less Ken had in humping my ultra smooth Barbies.

Somehow I don't think Amazon wants me to share my memories of the sound of hard plastic hitting hard plastic as Ken and Barbie went at it.

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At December 04, 2008 12:32 PM, Blogger Bryna said...

Funny, my memories of barbie are quite similar. My first barbie I was WAY too young to have and I chewed her feet off. Something about the squishiness of them... mmmmm.
Then, I had Perm-her-hair barbie who I tried to make it permy, but it turned like an afro, so I cut her hair off.
Lastly, we had the barbie hotel and my friends from up the street played with us. You know, the one with the fancy elevator on a string. We were probably too old to be playing with barbie at this point too. We played it as a "Pancake House" during the day and the barbie whore house at night. Nice. Great imaginations! Granted, I don't think I even knew what that meant at that point of my lift. I knew it just meant sex, whatever that was. HA!

At December 04, 2008 9:58 PM, Anonymous Jessica said...

OMG, get the Hell out of my head! I saw the same thing today and almost hurled. President Barbie my aching ass.

As the child of a hippie, I was not allowed Barbie - but I did dry-hump Mr and Mrs Sunshine Family.

At December 04, 2008 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anna said...

Lol, what's up with women playing sex with barbies as kids!?

I did the same thing. In fact, I once nail-polished a little 'color' into barbie's vag and nipples to make it more realistic. My mom was not pleased.

At December 04, 2008 11:00 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Can't stop cracking up at everyone's Barbie (or Mr. & Mrs. Sunshine) activities. You are all awesome.

At December 05, 2008 12:15 PM, Blogger Pamela said...

Hilarious. I wonder if that site would publish any of those.

I just remember my brothers throwing Barbie up in a tree to hang.

At December 05, 2008 5:13 PM, Blogger sugaredharpy said...

YES! My Barbies were total lesbians too. We didn't have Ken, and did have a keen interest in sex, and no real notion that sex was limited to men and women...ergo, super horny lesbian Barbie orgy at my house!

At December 06, 2008 12:20 PM, Anonymous Phantasma said...

I broke out the barbies until I was 12 or 13. Mostly because I liked to dress them up in bizarre outfits.

I too had them hump a lot. A few years ago I watched this disturbing video online of "rough sex barbie" where either ken or barbie (I can't remember which) was essentially beaten to death during sex...accidently.

Actually, until I was about seven years old all I did with Barbies was rip their heads off and string them together. Oftentimes blotting out their faces with those little round band-aids.

When I got a little older and actually played with them in a way that didn't make me look like Ms. Gein, their hair would get all ratty and I'd try to "fix" it by cutting it. Generally I scalped a whole slew of them. I think they need to make wigs for Barbie. Hell, they can market a Cancer Barbie and have them accesorize with awesome locks-of-love wigs.

(please tell me there is no such thing as Cancer Barbie because if there is I will be very, very sad)

also my verification word is disturbing given the content of this comment: graceig

At December 06, 2008 2:57 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Ok... I'll admit it. I also played with Barbies and one day began to hate Barbie. She got several cruel haircuts, limbs were removed, there was some sex between Barbie and Ken, but let's just say it wasn't consensual...
I think I was a very odd kid.

At December 07, 2008 1:11 PM, Anonymous Margaret said...

Ah yes Barbie, we had about 50 yet not one belonged to me (I am a second daughter with a strong willed older sister who loved barbie more than I was willing to fight) so my strongest memorie is of slipping all the barbie rings and earrings (the removable ones) down between the sidewalk slabs. Poor dad Had to use tweezers to get them our. since that plan was foiled I chewed the legs of the chairs. I am able to write this after an unbelievable amount of therapy!


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