Threading the Douche Pipe

Although it is a tetchy product, douche is turning out to be far more hilarious than I anticipated. I told Husband about "Sweet Romance," and after he stopped laughing, he admitted his curiosity was piqued.

"What other things do they make?" he asked.

"Well, there's the combo enema/douche kit..." I began.

"Really? No, I don't want to hear more about that," he said, looking wildly away from me. "That's just disturbing."

But it's true. Reliable drugstore.com sells two different kinds of combo douche/enema/water bottle systems. The directions should be read as a stand up comedy performance, I swear:

Douching Use:

Slide shut-off clamp (in open position) lengthwise onto tubing and clamp it shut.

Flush bottle with water before each use.

Fill bottle with warm water or mixed douche preparation.

Thread adapter cap into bottle, cover opening, and shake to ensure proper mixing.

Slip end of tubing onto adapter cap. If necessary, use soapy water to aid in assembly.

Slip pipe adapter onto other end of tubing.

Thread douche pipe onto pipe adapter.

Punch out perforated hole on bottle hang tab. Suspend bottle by hook, less than 3 feet above vagina.

Release clamp to expel air in tubing before inserting douche pipe.

Positions: A) TO USE IN SHOWER, stand with feet apart; B) TO USE IN BATHTUB, lie back in tub, knees slightly bent apart; C) TO USE ON TOILET, lift one thigh while seated. When in position, gently insert the douche pipe into vagina. Open clamp to permit solution to flow gently.

You can't make this stuff up. I'm only pissed that the phrase "douche pipe" had not entered my lexicon years ago. The enema instructions include the phrase "enema pipe" (as in, "Apply lubricating jelly to enema pipe.") That is not nearly as hilarious as uploading some Sweet Romance through the douche pipe, but still amusing.