A Smelly Fart Saga (Now with Dialogue!)
Q: What's more socially awkward than me at a big launch party for The Panelist where I don't know many people?
A: Me at a big launch party for The Panelist where I don't many people and I have the most toxic gas known to man.
I spent the day mostly holding my gas in because I don't want to get fired from my internship because I killed the associate editor after she asphyxiated because she could not breathe in the foul air I created. When I arrived home in the evening, I hoped that non-stop farting would empty the gas pocket before I left for the party. Husband came home 45 minutes later.
"What smells so awful?" he asked as he walked into the apartment.
"Sorry, I was farting in the kitchen," I replied meekly.
"Damn, woman!" he exclaimed. I think he was partly impressed.
Unfortunately, the gas I released merely stank up my domicile. It did not go away by the time we left for the event. You know things are bad when you fart outside in a strong wind and you can still smell it. In the wind competition, I beat Mother Nature.
I did a nice job holding back for 90 minutes while on the subway and at the party, but I thought I should leave before I poisoned my friend's apartment. I was horribly uncomfortable. Plus, I couldn't risk losing my other writing gig by gassing the publisher, editor, and all of their friends and supporters.
I hope I'll be better in the morning, but if you are supposed to have plans with me later today, bring a gas mask. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Labels: I'm a natural resource producer
posted by Suzanne @ 12:06 AM
and I'm more than delighted to send some your way. Spread (ha ha!) the word!
9 Comments:
You should bring gas masks with you. I say this not only as someone who has plans with you today, but as a caring human bean.
I laughed so long at "I was farting in the kitchen." Ridiculous.
Sometimes I have terrible gas in ballet class, so I'll pop into the bathroom for like 12 seconds. I'm sure they can all hear me through the tiny hollow door.
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I hope you're feeling better! OS farted on my uncle was annoying me greatly at our family reunion in Joliet. I was very pleased by this farting by proxy.
I'm sorry to hear that you were so stinky at such an inopportune time.
Am I the only one who enjoys smelling their own farts? I think it's a dirty little secret that many people love whiffing their own. Other people's farts smell awful, however.
I do that at the most inappropriate times as well, such as while babysitting or in the middle of the street. Or, my personal favorite, in a cab.
I had to fart the other night in a patient's room. I would've left for a sec, but she was pushing and I was required to be at bedside. I got it out silently. L&D rooms are stinky even without farting nurses. I totally got away with it.
BUSTED!
I was probably too drunk to notice you contributions to greenhouse gas. (You know methane is 4 times more potent a greenhouse gas than CO2).
I thought you were just hanging out outside with the smokers because you were trying to be cool. Now I know the real reason.
David (aka Publisher of ThePanelist.com)
p.s. we still love you more than ever. As you read in our editorial policy - full disclosure is very important for all our writers at The Panelist.
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