This is Only a Test (of My Self-Restraint, That Is)
I received this email about an ago at work from our consultants to help them prepare for a retreat:
To help us, we would appreciate it if you would take time to answer as many of the questions below as possible. Please be candid, be you, and be prepared to have some of this information shared publicly at the retreat.Wow, good thing we pay consultants gobs of money for their guidance. It’s not like I knew how to reply to emails in the 12 years since I began eagerly taking advantage of the internet as a communication tool. Really, who knew that getting a response back to the sender merely required hitting “reply” and “send.” Craziness!
To proceed, simply hit “reply” to [consultant’s name] and then type in your responses to the following items and “send” your response back to me. Deadline: July 7th.
Of course, the questions that they want me to answer bring up some issues as well. Choice selections include:
- 2. What is the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?
5. What is a hidden talent you possess that most people don’t know about?
6. What’s one of the funniest things you’ve ever done?
9. What is a special interest/passion of yours that could be useful at [work]?
10. What’s your favorite thing to do on the weekend?
12. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?
17. What skill do you have that never gets used at work?
19. Do you have any hobbies? What are they?
23. What special skill/interest/ability of yours contributed in a meaningful way to a project/program or new initiative during the past year?
24. Did you accomplish something in the past year that you never thought possible (i.e. acquired a new skill, created a new process or program, etc.)? What was it?
posted by Suzanne @ 4:15 PM
and I'm more than delighted to send some your way. Spread (ha ha!) the word!
13 Comments:
how excellent would it be if you actually answered "SUCK DICK" to all of them!? - especially if you meant it!
Maybe under the "most dangerous" i should say "getting a Brazilian wax" (i never have, nor do i intend to, but wouldn't it be hilarious because either a) someone wouldn't know what it was and we'd have to discuss it or b) it would be so TMI that some people would just avoid me for a long time.)
Oh, dear god(dess). Maybe a couple of us can coordinate our responses.
Ex: what is the most dangerous thing you've ever done?
R1: Bungee jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge under the harvest moon at midnight
R2: Climbed out onto a 6" wide catwalk on the Brooklyn Bridge to stop an insane woman from jumping. I remember it like it was yesterday - there was this huge blood red moon and a pack of coyotes were howling off in the distance. I never did figure out what coyotes were doing in Brooklyn.
R3: Bayed maniacally at a couple of chicks who were hanging off the side of the Brooklyn Bridge one Walpurgisnacht. My coven and I were, uh, conducting a little ritual in, uh, a state of altered consciousness. We thought they'd fly off over Manhattan if we could spook them into jumping. Of course, I've had a great deal of therapy since then, and my antisocial tendencies are totally under control now. Really.
(we all feign hysteria for a few minutes, shrieking "OHMYGOD- that was YOU???" "I can't belive it was YOU! GOD, i thought you looked familiar! etc.)
Even better would be to reply "suck dick" a few times and then on another question say, "suck dick, oh wait, I said that already. I also am learning how to paint." Show your co-workers your artsy side.
This reminds of the time at a stupid school thing that we were instructed to get something "revealing" our of our wallets. I happily busted out my menstrual record chart.
Yes, suck dick applies in every instance.
Here's mine, in the same vein:
2. What is the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done? Had unprotected sex with a few longtime needle users.
5. What is a hidden talent you possess that most people don’t know about? Obviously - knitting sweaters from my own hair.
6. What’s one of the funniest things you’ve ever done? Farted in church. Loud. I mean LOUD.
9. What is a special interest/passion of yours that could be useful at [work]? Tofu sculpture
10. What’s your favorite thing to do on the weekend? Get drunk and pick up sailors. Or bikers if the ships are all out.
12. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? That pill I found on the carpet after that big party I had.
17. What skill do you have that never gets used at work? Critical thinking.
19. Do you have any hobbies? What are they? See #s 5, 9 and 10.
23. What special skill/interest/ability of yours contributed in a meaningful way to a project/program or new initiative during the past year? Feigning interest.
24. Did you accomplish something in the past year that you never thought possible (i.e. acquired a new skill, created a new process or program, etc.)? What was it? Learned to sleep while sitting at my desk.
If you said suck dick to the most dangerous thing you ever did, I would hate to see the size of monstrosity
Crazy Larry
Oh ladies of the left coast, I srewed up and filled mine out before I saw your brilliant answers. Yes, we should coordinate. Insomniac has a bcc of what I wrote. Mostly drivel, but whatever.
Suebob, once again you hit it on the mail with #17 - critical thinking. I was also thinking that one of my proud accomplishments could be actually showing up to work on a daily basis.
Count - I love the menstrual chart. I am going to have to try and work that in.
ha ha ha! I can think of the best answers I would give on mine...
Of course, I won't share them here, because I am lazy.
everyone's answers are so great. you and husband are way suited for each other.
it also reminds me of personality assessments that retail stores used to give you to see if you were mentally competant enough to work there. does that make any fucking sense? what sane person wants to make $6.oo or less an hour? but the questions go something like this:
how would you deal with a stressful situation at work? tell customers that the store no longer carries a size 0 so fatten your ass up.
what would you do if you saw fellow employees sharing weed in the back room? tell them your cousin buck sells primo shit out of your aunt's consignment shop.
would you ever steal money? who would actually answer yes, when do i start?
why do you feel you are suited for a position here? I walk upright, wipe my own ass, and can tie my shoelaces on my own. when is my management training?
Dianne
Suzanne, have you seen the UK version of The Office? Season One (or, as they say over there, "Series One") has a hilarious episode about a consultant that comes in, with disasterous results (though to be fair, not the consultant's entire fault). We should watch!
Do keep the suggetions coming, people. Even though Suzanne pulled the "reply" trigger prematurely (and who can fault her eager submission to such a delectably explicit directive - it certainly made my pulse race), the damn thing isn't due until July 7th.
I like the explorer's "Office" suggestion. Let's propose the episode as the retreat's evening entertainment.
My first reaction was to answer 'Dropped/Dropping Acid' to each question - this being prior to reading the beatiful SUCK DICK answer. I'm in for being the one baying at the people on the bridge.
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